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​​Last Week’s Tools:

• Mute the negative input that comes via all your screens
• Get into motivational content
• Ask, "What is the badass move here?
• Call out when you go off the rails

​How did you do with last week's assigment? It made a huge difference for me to cut off the negative input. I feel more spacious and have more energy. As to motivating videos, so far I like Luvvie Ajayi, Zain Asher, and Ami Morin (there is also a link to a massively badass composer and musician (a 14 year of girl!) at the bottom of the blog). Asking “what is the badass move?” slowed down a bit this week. I think I overdid it before and have now found balance. It’s not good to use anything to excess. Before you know it, it becomes a way to oppress yourself, such as: “you must always be badass” and “not being a badass is a fail,” instead of calling upon it like a celebrated super power--only as needed.  

I’m blown away by how much shame I'm discovering I have. In this badass training, everything is foaming up to the surface. Yay and Yikes!
It seems, if you want to be a badass and if shame is located in the space where courage tries to be, shame’s going to show up like an invisible ink signature held over a candle flame.
Earlier, while I was working on a song, I felt shame over the quality of my signing voice because it wasn’t yet warmed up. Shame at not playing guitar like guitar god, Mimi Fox. Shame that I gave my chance at stardom away when I moved to the States. Shame makes that mean “I could have been somebody.” As if I’m not now. As if fame made you into “somebody.”
 
Everybody matters equally. And yet, I have so much shame, I ache with it. I feel shame for loving you, dear reader. For loving you for no other reason than that you’re in the world. Shame says I should have a better, more specific reason and because I don’t, I’m odd. And that apparently is something to be ashamed of.
I feel shame at feeling shame. I feel ashamed to say that I have talks with God. I feel shame that you must be thinking I’m a noo-noo head.
 
But I’m not too ashamed to say these things. All the shame in the world can’t stop them from coming out. Because holding in one’s truth is worse than feeling shame. The badass training makes is easier to look at this feeling. Easier to name it. And now that I have, I feel I can let go of the armor I’ve put around it.
 
Ahhh. That’s lighter. Suddenly, there’s more bandwidth to be thinking about you instead about my shame. How are you? What’s happening in your world right now? Where are you—in your heart, in your head? In someone’s arms? Protected and cared for and happy? Or are you alone, filled with secret sorrows? Or being self-critical? We all are, aren’t we? But we’re also lovely. You are lovely. Lovely—isn’t it odd that the term is reserved only for AFAB people, for people assigned female at birth. Why? Everyone has some kind of loveliness about them. It’s not a matter of gender. There’s a whole other can of worms right there! All that shame around not being “normal” and fitting into the two, all too restrictive, gender buckets. I know for a fact, because I have seen it with my own eyes that, that however you identify, you are lovely and you are beautiful.
 
The great 19th Century French writer, Stendhal (pron.: stoñdull), described beauty as “la promesse de bonheur,” the promise of happiness.
 
I believe that seeing beauty is part of happiness because it is a result of reverence. Of holding something or someone as sacred. Beauty, Thomas Moore showed in his book, The Soul of Sex, is the province of the soul. I know it as one of the gateways that open a connection with the divine, such as when I see a beautiful tree or the majestic Olymics across the water. For me to come right out and say it like that is a seriously badass thing to do because concern that speaking about my spiritual beliefs would be alienating to you wants to hold me back. You feeling alienated by me would make me feel ashamed. And so the list goes on. I may never stop feeling shame, but badass training says, That’s OK. Maybe there’s nothing to do with shame, per se. Being badass doesn’t seem to do away with it, but I think it allows you to move forward even in its presence.
 
As promised the link to the most badass musician I’ve ever come across. She is the composer as well as the pianistr. Nothing short of amazing: 14 year old Alma Deutscher.

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​Hey You!

Thanks for joining me for episode 14 in the 2019 badass challenge.
Last’s week’s homework was trying the Nice Fast.

How’d it go?
​
I was surprised to find that I never did slip back into my old nicey-nice and so took the week off. OK, that’s not true.
I stayed in badass training by doing two entirely new things and one not-so-new thing that I haven’t yet made an official part of the tool set but will today.

First, I’ve stopped reading and listening to the “news.” Cold turkey.  
 
I’ve unplugged for this one reason: Because all the bad news has a way of making you feel a combination of helplessness, hopelessness and rage and that interferes with your badass training.

The solution has been to subscribe to a number of motivational YouTube channels. There’s a list of my Top 3 at the bottom (There’s a list of my Top 10 on the blog version of today’s podcast.)  

These videos are kind of like an alcohol spritz for the mold of negativity that wants to form around the edges of my mind like the pink slime that grows in the crevices of your filtered water jug . Rows and rows of little spores, holding each other’s little spore hands, sway and whine, “This is so hard.” “What if nobody will hire my services?” “What if they move my emails straight to the trash folder?” “What if I can’t get past the gate keepers and my calls won’t be returned.” It’s a chorus of persistent voices.
I find that the motivational videos are great at drowning them out! And I need that because I wake up in the morning and everything is already too much. Where to even start?! Now I know where! I grab my phone, open my YouTube app, type in “motivation” and start scrolling. One video that talks about strength of mind I like especially. It suggests that all the little moments of negativity will add up real quick and slime me. Just like the pink spores. You can’t see them, can’t see them, can’t see them and then, having reached critical mass, all of a sudden, there they are! Individually, these tiny little spore bodies don’t have any impact; they’re unimportant. But when enough have accumulated, they’re disgusting and you know you’ll have to get out the scrubby right then and there and follow up with the alcohol spritz from good measure! Which is going to be part of this week’s tools as follows:

This week’s badass challenge is to take your devices and scrub them of apps and notifications, podcasts, newsletters, and what not, that tell you in smart prose why and how the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Replace them with some of the thousands of motivational, educational, uplifting and inspiring contents, such as videos, podcasts, newsletters, etc., that can fill your heart with hope and encouragement, ideas, suggestions, stories and data that fire your imagination and build your confidence. Interestingly, I bet you’ll find that they’ll equipped you so you can go out into the world and more easily do things that help make it better than it is now.
​
Now to the tool I’m officially adding to the tools set: It’s a habit that just came about by itself. In certain situations (you’ll know them when you’re in them) ask, “What is the badass move here?” Additionally, make it a habit to identify and call out when something isn’t. For example, “It’s already Friday afternoon. I’ll put this call off till Monday,” is not badass and I would call that out as such. Then I’ll ask, “What is the badass move?” If it’s going on 5 o’clock and it’s actually too late to get that call in, I would set an alarm for Monday, and include the number to dial to remove even the smallest obstacle. Identifying and removing the obstacles you can do something about it always badass! And I know you can do it because I know we were all born as badasses. We had the world by the tail (before they snipped it off). Now, we just have to build our own tails and plug straight into the juice of life!

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Part One of the Homework

Everything has a cost to it. It's important to know what it is and embrace it so it doesn't derail your efforts.

​Here's what I saw this week: We’ve heard that crises can lead to transformation. But what we don’t often hear about is that transformation can cause a crisis. The reason being that when we enter a time of deep change, stuff we managed by ignoring or tolerating it gets really in your face. In my case that looked like this: I noticed how often I use retail therapy to make myself feel better,  particularly when I feel challenged. Small rewards for a few dollars at a time sounds like a good solution but the truth is that I’m “medicating” instead of solving whatever challenge I’m facing. As long as I wasn’t aiming to be badass as defined by the 2019 Badass challenge which calls for you to step so fully into your power that you can create the exact life you want to live, this was a fine arrangement. But now I feel a badass doesn’t soothe or gloss over problems, they solve them!

Some questions you might find helpful:  What things are you glossing over? What crutches do you cling to instead of tackling whatever messes with your life?

Part Two of the Homework

The two big steps for me were to 1) stop fudging or making excuses for not keeping an explicit or implicit promise and 2) to step back from being overly ambitions in order to be good enough and worthy. Did I really have to make it "Pick three items?" One item seems a fine beginning and leaves more time and mental and emotional bandwidth for the third part of the homework which was self-care.

Questions you might find helpful: Where do you make excuses, for yourself or others? Where are you over or under ambitious?

Part Three of the Homework
​
How are you doing with self-care? Are you prioritize your own wellbeing?

I hope you are because that’s part of being a badass. And if you aren’t, there’s always this coming week. It’s more a matter of practicing than of getting it right. The former is a “process,” the latter is a “goal.” Remember we talked about that in a previous podcast--becoming a badass is a process not the reaching of a goal. I say that because there’s not some point in the future from when on you’re a badass forevermore. Life always has more challenges and opportunities in store. You never stop growing and evolving and whatever being a badass means to you also keeps evolving.

*

I gave a tarot reading to a client yesterday which reminded me of a huge obstacle to being a badass: The need to be liked. I don’t think that requires a lot of explanation. Obviously if you need to be liked you’ll have to compromise in all kinds of ways. You might hold back, play small, and go along to get along. Not very badass.

Here is what you can do about it: Go on a Nice Fast

How the Nice Fast Works

The times you catch yourself being nice, acquiescing, agreeing, giving in, or staying quiet, ask yourself if you are doing it for brownie points or to avoid conflict and if deep inside you wish you had the courage to say or do something. Awesome! This is your golden opportunity for the Nice Fast: Just don’t be nice. What??!! You might think: How can I not be nice? People expect me to be nice! I gotta be nice! Not if it means not being true to yourself. I did a Nice Fast in the mid 2000’s and it was an absolute eye-opener! There was no fall-out. On the contrary. Suddenly, people were offering to do all kinds of emotional labor for me to make me feel better so I'd be nice again. Wow! It was weird. And uncomfortable. I expected to be hated. But, instead, I was more liked because people experienced me as more authentic.  

If you decide to do the Nice Fast, obviously, you'll want to use your judgment: Don’t tell your boss to shove off unless you’ve got a better job lined up. Badasses are not consumed with the need to be liked but they can still be diplomatic.

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Everything went exceedingly well this week until I really engaged in seeking out some more badass heroes. Total crisis ensued. These people achieved phenomenal accomplishments by twenty, thirty, forty years of age. I’m sixty-one, soon to be sixty-two and what have I got to show for?!

Instead of being inspired, reading about these magnificent individuals made me feel like an abject loser! I mean, some of these people had the time to do amazing things and die young! I was processing so heavily, at one point, I walked out of a grocery store with my phone and keys left on the counter. I forgot a location for a meeting fifteen minutes after getting off the phone. Reading up on these amazing people, I compared my life to theirs (though I know better) and became utterly discombobulated trying to come to terms with the gap between my life ambitions and my actual accomplishments. And it’s getting late in the day, so to speak. I asked myself, What is realistic now? Do I have to adjust just how far I can go in becoming a badass? Will I ever be one? Steven reminded me, “If you didn’t have to face the shadow side of things, there wouldn’t be much of a “challenge” in the 2019 Badass Challenge.” Urch! So true. I think of all of us. We each faces different things. For me, it’s how much, or little I’ve accomplished compared to what I’d envisioned for my life.

What are your challenges?

Have you forgotten (or dismissed) what you once dreamed of? Do you feel you need to be “practical?”

In my tarot readings this past Sunday, four out of my ten clients had that exact issue.

It looked like this: “I don’t know what my purpose is.” Some cried as they said this. Some stared stoically down onto the tarot cards laid out before them.

Thankfully, I’m trained as a life coach and my specialty is self-empowerment. In less than 30 minutes, each of them discovered that what happened is that they had already eliminated from the list of choices what they wanted to do with their lives. Meaning that among what was left, no matter how long the list was, nothing held meaning. That’s only right because the one thing that was meaningful was no longer on the list.
Each of them had to face they took their dream off the list because it either didn’t promise financial security unless they made something extraordinary happen with it (like writing a best-seller), or because it could possibly make them look like a fool (involving metaphysics), or it would go against family wishes, or require changing their major to train for in what they really wanted to do in life (to illustrate, something like switching from finance to psychology). For each, the issue wasn’t that they couldn’t find their purpose. The issue was that they had denied their calling. What they needed was to become more badass, so they could tackle their obstacles and believe they could make their dream come true.
 
As I did this week’s homework, each person I picked as a hero did that. Whereas, I didn’t. I identified my dream to teach (specifically personal growth) in 2006. I zeroed in on a larger dream—to facilitate people’s self-empowerment— two years ago. And last year, I recognized the overarching dream within which these two smaller ones are embedded as the passion to help heal the separation in the world. When I assess where I am today, it’s self-evident that I have not stepped up.

That’s why I need the Badass Challenge. I say 2019 is my “do or die” year, my “make it or break” it year. The pressure I am putting myself under is huge. I could not do it without this podcast. I would simply black out. In other words, I’d go unconscious, get distracted and forget about what I’m trying to do.

​Maybe things are not as extreme for you. If not, then by taking up the challenge, you’re getting a head-start. I’m so proud of you!!

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It's been an amazing week. Practicing unashamed tenderness toward myself has elevated my mood and made me more resilient and safe in my body. Have you noticed it, too? If not that, what difference has  practicing badass love for your wonderful  body made in your life?

Now, after an additional week of developing that loving feeling for the bodies—I hope you’ve been kissing your own hands and feet—it’s time to move to the next steps.
 
But before we do, let me share something that showed me how well the 2019 badass challenge is working on me.
 
A few nights ago, laying in bed—yes, that’s where I do most of my reading—an essay on the New York Times website grabbed my attention. It started with the following sentence, “Maybe because we’re living in a dystopia…”
 
My eyes followed right along as the sentence went on. But I noticed I wasn’t absorbing what else was in it. Instead, my brain hollered, Wait a minute! Wait! It was like a car that keeps going after it went bumpety bump over something lying in the road, then suddenly hits the brakes so hard, the rear end comes up. Then it lays down rubber a it speeds in reverse to have a look.
 
My brain wanted to know, What did I just run over? “Because we’re living in dystopia…” After reading this a second time, my brain went, Oh, so it’s come to that; I didn’t realize things have gotten this bad. But then it said, Hell f****** no. Maybe this is the view from American. Maybe, right now the US feels dystopian. But, in reality, things are looking up! For example, 194 of the 195 nations of this little blue world have signed on to the Paris Climate Accord to avert the climatocalypse. The one holdout, Number 195, is the United States. Maybe that’s part of why the view from here can look dystopian right now. And maybe also because healthcare isn’t a basic feature in this country. But it is in many, many other nations. The statistician, Hans Rosling – I wrote about his book, Factfulness here – gave us hundreds of charts, wrote books, gave TED talks in which he showed us all the ways in which the world relentlessly keeps getting better. You can read about it here, here, here, and here, and here, and here. And that’s just for starters!
 
This is why I not only refuse but refute the dystopian world view.
 
To you, dear reader, I say, if this perspective, which is becoming more widespread, has wiggling its way into your head, shake it out! Don’t let anyone pull that softly sad blanket over your head. No matter how romantically melancholy it is, it’s not designed to comfort you. It’s meant to hold you in place the better to pummel you with horror stories of the world gone grievously mad. So, shake yourself awake and free! Throw that blanket off!
 
Here is a great way you can escape the nasty blanket party: Read news from other countries and use the translate function by putting your mouse anywhere on the page, right-click and scroll down to "translate this page" (on a PC). Here are some great resources from around the world: Germany, France, Great Britain, Israel, Middle East, India, Russia, China
 
I wanted to share the above story with you because, as I notice my reaction, I realized, hold up, I’m being a badass right now! I’m not letting this statement slide. I'm not letting it bring me down while I’m not looking. In the past, I’ve sometimes deferred to institutions and individuals I admire. OK, not just sometimes. But since the start of the badass challenge, I’m better at resisting catastrophizing, my own and others’. I'm more discerning and selective as to what I'll internalize.

What have you noticed that has change for you since the Challenge began in January?
 
Starting next week, I’m upping the ante. I think I'm ready. Are you with me? Let’s do some really scary s***! The stuff we don't want to do but have to if we want to step into our power so fully that we create the lives we want to live, the goal of the 2019 Badass Challenge. (By the way, I plan to apologize for all the cursing if I see in the future that that was faux-badasserie posturing. Right now, it feels real and authentic.)

In conclusion, we can't help but internalize some (or a lot) of what the world around us presents to us. But we can balance it and maybe neutralize it by actively seeking out what we want to have an influence on us. For that purpose, this week, I am seeking out idols to inspire me with their badasserie. It's going to be an easy job. Getting all involved in badasserie, I learn about new badasses every day, it seems like. 

This coming week’s work in bullets:

• Let’s get some badass idols to inspire us. Getting all involved in badasserie, I learn about new badasses every day, it seems like.

Here are three new ones to inspire me like crazy this week with their virtuosity. All of them drummers: Cora Dunham, Terri Lyne Carrington & Nikki Glaspie – That video begins with an insight-giving chat between the two monumental drummers. Then they play together on a beautiful song, starting at 9:33. And here is Nikki, nothing but highlights. And Carrington again. OMG! Best drummer I’ve ever watched.
 
Now go and find a badass or several for yourself this week.​

I’m emotionally raw from being transparent. And I’m so moved by life right now because of it.

Practicing transparence opened the floodgates to anguishing things for which there hadn’t been time or space to work them out for quite a while now. So, yesterday, I found myself pacing around the living room, bawling “I can’t do this anymore! I can’t hold the space for your hopelessness anymore.”

​I didn't see this coming. I haven't cried like that in at least a couple of years. My heart pounded. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I hadn't known the extent of my anguish. Yet, instead of going down the rabbit hole, I sat down without any forethought and slowed my breathing. Slowly, I found a balance between allowing myself my feelings and taking care of my body that was so alarmed and wanted things to just slow down a little bit. To my surprise, giving my body what it wanted, the sobbing turned to weeping. My heart stopped pounding and, eventually, the weeping subsided on its own. I got up and went to pee. Definitely a mood changer.

I don't want to say more about what this was all about out of respect for other people's privacy. But I can tell you that practicing transparence has not been what I expected. The assumption was that this past week there'd be more openness about internal processes, thoughts and feelings. Instead, it got me in touch with things I didn’t know I was feeling. I’ve learned that being transparent is more powerful than being open because it helps things into the light that you hadn’t been aware of.

Discovering things I didn't know I didn't know made it possible to think about new solutions, not to the problem as it had been previously defined, but to the problem as it was actually experienced. Transparence, I saw this week, closes the gap between rationalization and truth. It replaces “managing the situation” with authentic engagement. And, of course, authenticity is healing in itself. And emotional and psychological healing leads to connection with your inner wisdom which leads to tremendous clarity. And this clarity leads to insight that leads to tailor-made solutions.

​This week's solution? It’s time, once again, to let somebody else in, to let somebody else help. It’s time to get some therapy again. Because, really, why lone-wolf it when there are so many people who have spent years studying how best to help you with your problems?

I have a feeling, I’m only scratching the surface so far. Yet, the transformative power of transparence is already palpable in my life. I’m thinking, let’s do this for another week. And this week, let’s add embodiment since that is the overarching theme for the rest of this month and it made such a difference in how I handled my meltdown.
​

I’m always feel so drawn to talk about everything that happened since the last post  . You know—the high and low lights. How we got snowed and that the power went out. But I won’t because it just feels too narcissistic. And boring. Each podcast does start with me writing about all that stuff because I’m really captivated by my own life. And I  love myself deeply and abidingly. To myself, I think I’m totally... Wait, I’m getting off track! Where were we? Right! I meant to say, I write it all down so I can see the lesson. And that’s the part I want to share on the podcast. If your curios about the details, you can go ahead and read the blog post. But here, I want to think in terms of, What can I offer you that is of value to you? That supports you in empowering yourself?  In the interest of transparency, I have to admit, though, that a part of me does want to go on and on about my life and possibly put it in the most interesting way I can manage to hopefully get you to like me and admire me and need me. That needy and self-centered part of me is who I’m going to hug right now and give love and validation and empathy to. When I’m done, I’ll be back and get to the nuggets I promised.  I hope this works as a podcast. We’ll see. My badasserie may desert  me.  If it does, I will tell you.

Ok I’m back and have this to say: The above paragraph was brought to you by badasserie in action, though I didn’t know it in the moment. Reading back over it, I noticed that I was super uncomfortable with it. Why? Because I was being way more transparent than usual.  And that made me scared because it’ll leave me open to judgment and criticism. Ick! So vulnerable!
Are you dreaming of becoming a badass who isn’t vulnerable? I do—till now, unconsciously. Are you striving to become the kind of badass where you’re not touched by haters because of your tough exterior? I am. But I know better and, so, I caution against it. A front is a front is a front and, as such, will eventually crumble and, worse, in the meantime, it won’t actually hold you up when you need holding up because it’s a protective layer, not an exoskeleton. So, being transparent is, as I see it this week, part of being badass: Here are two reasons: Firstly, when you’re transparent, you signal to yourself that you’ve decided to trust that who you are is all right, so all right that you’re willing to show yourself for all the world to see. Secondly, when your transparent, the world has nothing to blackmail you with into acquiescence, silence, cooperation. And that means something very, very special--you are freed to stop compromising so much and, instead, live the life that matters most to you. If that isn’t badass, I don’t know what is!
And here’s an addendum: That heady sense of don’t give a f$^&^ doesn’t last so you’ll have to repeat this process of practicing transparence over and over. It’s like brushing teeth: You gotta remove the plaque every day. 

I felt completely paralyzed during the power outage. In the past, I found them to be fun, like a forced vacation. But this time, all I felt was anxiety. Things got better because Steven got out about 20 candles. That brightened up the house. We let the kitchen gas burners burn and they kept the house at a steady seventy degrees. This morning, on a walk to get some coffee (no coffee at home without electricity), we helped dig out a van stuck in the snow and that was fun. Everyone working together, being helpful felt good. Back at the house, we made lunch and I continued to feel non-directional anxiety. Once the power came back on, I didn’t feel the relief I expected. I felt bruised as one would feel in the aftermath of an ordeal. I guess it was an ordeal. Though I don’t think it needed to be. I examined my thinking and my perspective and saw that I’ve been feeling victimized:

• By Trump whose presidency continues to depress sales.  
• Because our business did not get the Christmas bump due to “The Shutdown.”
• By the cold weather.
• By being trapped in the house by the snow and kept me from seeing friends.
• By Kiki’s incontinence—the huge amount of laundry of her bedding. Constantly changing the bedding. And now her fecal incontinence. OMG! 
  
  

I haven’t felt like a badass.

I expected the journey to badass-ness to go in a straight line, allowing for setbacks. But it hasn’t been like that. I’ve felt more thwarted than anything else.
But today, I looked at this feeling victimized and I realized, there are some things I need to, either choose or change. If I feel I’m the victim of having to deal with Kiki’s incontinence, I either need to
And here the power went out again for almost a whole other day.

Interestingly, the second time, I immediately got the candles ready and distributed them around the house for after-dark use. Steven and I, both, took the bull by the horns and did not feel victimized this time. Once the power came back on, I felt the relief I missed the first time and I didn’t feel bruised.

The difference was in how I met the moment: The first time, I went to helplessness and the resulting passivity which left me feeling depressed, abused and bruised, even after the power came back on. The second time, I aggressively got out in front, using what I learned the first time about the candles and other ways in which to prep for and manage the situation. I refused to think about the mistreatment we receive due to the demographic of where we live.
 
It occurs to me that being a badass doesn’t feel badass. In the back of my mind, I envisioned I’d feel  triumphant all the time, tough, in-charge, loud, aggressive, ruffian-like (things I, then, would need to hide), unstoppable, emotionally coarser, running roughshod over any obstacles. It is dawning on me that being badass isn’t like swashbuckling. It isn’t Errol Flynn swinging off the rigging with a sword.
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Maybe it feels no particular way. Maybe it’s how you act under pressure, in an emergency. Maybe it’s moving forward when you’re scared of the unknown.
All that said, I still want a little Errol with my badassery.  

Thank you so much for reading. I love you. I see you as whole and wise, and because I am so inclined, as divine, perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. By for now.

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 When I started to write this week’s entry, one thing seemed immediately clear: the needle hadn’t moved toward badasserie because I’d forgotten to stay in the practice. Except, I was wrong about that.

There's a great little word frequently used in the German language, pedantisch. It describes the stickler: wedded to the details and rules. But for something to take flight requires air under the wings and runway under the wheels, not just the rules of the skies.
 
I felt lousy and attributed it to not having practiced my badass tools. It’s a logical conclusion but not necessarily the right one. Being a badass doesn’t always mean feeling victorious, sometimes, it feels like hanging on by the skin of your teeth. Nancy Pelosi comes to mind during the State of the Union Address this week. The way she clapped back at the current president—no doubt badass! I bet she doesn’t always feel like she’s killing it. Like, for instance, the entire second term of the Obama administration after the Democrats lost in the midterms in 2010. I bet she was hanging on for dear life! And look where she is now! My own goal was modest, I just wanted to file State taxes in five states without a complete meltdown. And I did! The needle moved, after all!

Truth is, on the journey to being a badass, there will be turbulence. There will be times in which,  when faced with what went wrong, you forget what you got right. But part of badass training is to hold on to the control stick. The airplane may drop a thousand feet in an air pocket and that’ll feel horrible. Oxygen masks will dangle from the ceiling. But then the wings will catch the air again.

Never fly like you’re going to crash. Fly like you're going to stick the landing. That’s been my insight this week. A rough ride means nothing, except, “rough ride.”

You may have noticed that there is nothing in this week's blog about your trustworthiness. That's so because, who should be the judge of it? And, when something is made conditional, the bar always rises. And you can never win. I propose you trust yourself as a generative process, which is what a practice is. You don't need to be worthy of it, deserving of it, or justified. Practice trusting yourself for no other reason than that you said so. That's the badass move.

​This coming week’s work in bullets:
 

• Put faith in yourself and trust yourself as the pilot of your life.

February’s overarching theme is “Embodiment”—allowing the whole body to participate in the transformative journey.

To that end, you can cultivate and repeat thoughts (adding to your Badass neural network) that express your self-trust, such as, well, “I trust you!” And as you say that--or something else that resonates specifically with you--you can place your hands on your body wherever it guides you. For me, that’s almost always the heart area. If you’re not sure, try various hand positions.

There are as many different reasons for not trusting yourself 100% as there are people. Experiment with different placements and let your body guide you. If something feels good and like you can breathe more freely, you can go with that.

• The lower belly area is for connecting with your primal power.

Good if you don’t easily feel like you’re in your body or trust your instincts.

• The stomach area, just below the sternum is for connecting with your power of will (a kind of “I decree it so.”)

Good if you tend to second-guess yourself or make yourself small.

• The heart is for connecting with your emotional power or if you tend to feel shame.

Good if you’re not big on trusting your feelings.

• The throat area is for connecting with voicing your truth.

Good if you tend to leave things unspoken (don’t we all?).

This week, I noticed that, when it comes to badasserie, I’m a cross between my dog Annabelle and my other dog, Kiki.

Annabelle is six-and-a-half-pound white-haired Maltese. She is a tough dog. She’s brawny! We have a dog door. When she wants to go outside, she barrels through it so hard that I can hear the bang of the vinyl flap from the living room.

Kiki, our six-and-a-half-pound white poodle, in contrast, stretches out her paw tentatively to push the vinyl door open, then backs away as if the flap were trying to attacked her with its swinging motion. Eventually, as scary as it is, she has to slip through. It takes multiple tries before she finally makes it. On rare occasions, trying to come back in, it takes her so long to get here courage up, she gets wet from standing in the rain and I have to towel her dry.

This week, I presented two Wise Peer Communication workshops. One for Gender Diversity, designed for parents at Seattle Children’s Hospital, the other designed for staff at Seattle Counseling Service. The days leading up to the events I was like Annabelle, barreling through the cold that had been dogging me for the past two weeks, to hone and practice the PowerPoint presentations
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Then came Sunday, the day of the first presentation, and I felt more like Kiki. I worried about whether some of the parents related to the program. In the end, it was well-received and praised. Now, I felt like Annabelle again.  Tuesday, the day of my second presentation, I was like Kiki again. I started out speaking too softly—my version of rearing back from the vinyl flap. But soon enough, I found my footing and stepped through to the other side. Again, the workshop was well-received, and I felt robust and confident like Annabelle. Then, going over it all in my head afterwards, I stood in a space of second-guessing like Kiki standing outside, getting wet in the rain.

What made this time different from all the other times I’ve done things that challenge me is that I didn’t give in. I acknowledged that I worry like Kiki. But I also recognized that I have Annabelle’s toughness. I wrote the word “badass” on my hand and barreled through the proverbial door: Every time I wanted to cringe in self-criticism, I looked at that word written on my hand and I realized, oh! this is a matter of deciding who I am! A decision that I’ll be making over and over, just like Kiki has to decide over and over to brave the dog door.

I think we’re all like that—a little bit of Kiki and a little bit of Annabelle. And that’s a winning combination, because, let’s not forget, that, no matter how long it takes, Kiki always makes it through the door. And so will you and I.

This week’s work in bullets

It's the end of the first month, so I recommend taking a review of what you've practiced this the past four weeks. Where did you hit it hard, where could you be exercising your badass muscle more? Don't be the one in the gym who has big thighs and small calves. The reason is that the thigh muscles are bigger and, so, easier to build. The calves need much more attention to keep up. My "calves" are my incessant striving for getting it right instead of just getting it. My "thighs" are acting with bravado. I don't need to practice that.

At the beginning of the 2nd month, stay focused, keep showing up, keep working the program. If you haven't guessed it already, yep, I'm going back to the gym, so you'll hear that in my language. I'll try not to overdo it. Be as tough as feels right, be as sweet as feels right. You have no one to answer to, you badass! :)

This coming week’s work in bullets:

• Review January's tools
• Keep working with wherever you see lag
• To help the internal critic, embrace that you're always a badass: In the morning you're sleepy one, during the day, a focused one (hopefully), at night a vulnerable one (maybe). Badasserie has many, many looks.
• Remember, being a badass means stepping as fully -- and as unapologetically -- as you are able in the moment into your power to live the life that is.your.truth.

Tool 1: Keep your nerve and practice assuming things will work out (mantra: things will probably work out).

Come to think of it, today I saw one such unintended consequence.

I was at the store this morning. Without realizing at first what was happening, I sized up the man who stood in line at the pharmacy counter. How did his strength match up to mine? Would I be able to take him? No way. Male bodies have larger muscles. A mini movie unspooled in my mind in which we engaged in hand-to-hand combat (he decimated me). All this happened in less time than it took to walk past him. I remember reading somewhere that men often have such thoughts. Maybe these thoughts are a result of my gender journey on which I am allowing my internal masculinity to surface. But maybe it is also part of the process of becoming a badass.

I want to be both, badass and sweetheart. Is it possible? It seems, that in the third week of practicing becoming a badass, there is a sense of invulnerability building.

For this coming week, one of my goals is to practice disrupting invulnerability. Which brings us to this week's

Tool 2: When you notice insensitivity, indifference or coldness in yourself, or judgment of others, take a moment to breathe and call upon soulful chivalrousness.  

I’ve been making to-do lists for decades. As a matter of course, I put much more on them each day than is possible to accomplish because I want to capture everything that needs to get done, not only what needs to get done today. This week, I’ve noticed that every night, I am left with the sense that today, again, I didn’t do enough—​likely from the years of making unrealistic “everything lists.” Steven reminds me, "Gold stars. Lots of gold stars!" These gold stars are replacing the habitual thought of 'I didn’t get enough done.'

Does not feeling you're enough stand in the way of your own badasserie?

On the other hand, has it occurred to you this week that you’re not becoming a badass but claiming the inner badass that’s already there? That might very well be the case—it’s an exciting thought.  

While in badass training, what would you do if you had to deal with someone with a difficult personality? Would you get tough on them? Would it feel like they're undermining the process? Or would you see it as a practice opportunity? The latter is how I approached it this week. Thankfully, I remembered to use the tools from last week:
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Those questions worked brilliantly! They kept me in my body, focused on what I wanted to accomplish (instead of being sidetracked by the other person’s behavioral issues), and from totally getting triggered.

I was also helped by the decision not to make assumptions—another tool from last week—about why they acted as they did. Thoughts like, ‘This is who they are,’ can be replaced by questions, such as, 'What if they’re not aware? Maybe they don’t have good impulse control?' Not as an excuse for that person's ill behaviour, but to keep from making assumptions that would only fuel negative feelings.
 
And I asked my IBF, "How would a badass handle this?" Which brings us to this week's

Tool Three: How would a badass handle this?

Interestingly, my IBF suggested responding authentically. The IBF seems to have cryptic answers. Hahaha! In my case, focusing on being badass about this (instead of on how rude they're being), also contributed mightily to being less triggered! Basically, I felt a badass wouldn’t let shit get to them as much and that helped me shrug things off and stay better focused.

Well, these were my insights this past week. I hope they help you on your journey to claiming your inner badass!

This coming week’s work in bullets:

• Keep your nerve—Things will probably work out
• Disrupt invulnerability with practicing soulful chivalrousness
• Strategically ask, How would a badass handle this?​

Thank you so much for reading. I love you. I see you as whole and wise, and because I am so inclined, as divine, perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. 
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This week, I’ve been consistently showering myself with gold stars and turning to my Internal Best Friend for advice. They are invariable more generous and kinder that I act towards myself when I’m on autopilot. I’ve also been incorporating my insights, and I hope you have, too.  
You can think of your IBF as an inner voice of kindness and compassion. Imagine them as the best friend of your wildest dreams. Put wonderful words into their mouth. If this doesn’t come easy, you could think of talking with your IBF as a kind of role-playing. You write the script. So make it the sweetest, kindest, most generous and helpful words you can conjure.
Here are the insights my practice yielded since last week:

1. Disrupt regrets!

I already knew that I have too many regrets.  I saw in the last week how pointless they are because their cause by hindsight. Of course, I would know better after the fact. That’s why they’re called hindsight. I want to use them to learn from, not to anxiously wallow in regrets. They undermine me and make me weak.

2. Disrupt cynicism!

True story: On my way home, a car got stranded in the turn lane and stopped. As I passed by, I  thought, ‘That’s not going to work! Nobody’s going to stop. You have to weave your way into traffic.’ I looked in the rearview mirror and, you guessed it, the very next car behind me slowed down, flashed their lights and let the car in. That slapped me in the face real good. A mundane moment that really highlighted my cynicism. Do you do that? Make cynical assumptions? Check it out this week.
What I really got this week is what it is that makes cynicism possible: Assumptions.
I mean, don’t we constantly assume, often the worst?

Now, am I conscious of my assumptions? Mostly, no. From where I stand, it just looks like calling it like it is. Well, I think there’s the rub. An assumption can be wrong like it was with that driver who waited for someone to let them in. Evolutionarily, making assumptions of what is safe and what isn’t is a good survival tactic. But beyond that, assumptions about people’s motives and intentions come with great liability.
 
For two reasons: 1) We overlay reality with our speculations which keeps us from actually being present in the moment and seeing what’s really there. And 2) because we are inherently biased, our speculations are distorted by those biases. Very quickly, rather than responding to the people we encounter in a fresh and unique way, as called for by actual reality, we respond in ways that are patterned by feedback loops.
 
For a while, on my gender journey, I got tired of doing so much emotional labor and stopped smiling. Life felt a lot cloudier because no one was smiling at me, either. Because I looked unfriendly or because they didn’t want to make the effort? I don’t know. But I do know, unless we encounter the moment with a fresh response, borne from being consciously present, there is no chance of stepping out of a feedback loop.

At the beginning of the paragraph, I answered the question if I am conscious of being assessing with "no." And that is the point of entry for the powerful shift that occurred this week. Last week’s insight was to worry less. To worry less, I had to assume less. When I assumed less, I had less cause to be cynical.

Friends, I can’t say what a difference that made. I’m lighter, less anxious, less frustrated and feel stronger. In other words, closer to being badass than I did last week.
 
If this resonates with you, I invite you to notice when you make assumptions.

3. Disrupt assumptions  

Anytime you’re upset, check out if you’re making an assumption. Then, instead of staying on the emotional merry-go-round, as yourself a few powerful questions that will help you get present:
What is happening right now?
What are the sounds?
What is being said (if anything)?'
How do I feel in my body?
What do I need right now?
How do I want to act or respond?
What would help me get in touch with my power?

Next, act in accordance with what comes to you as a result of these questions. Trust yourself. If you’re not sure, ask ‘How can my IBF help me with that right now?’ And remember to shower yourself with gold stars.

MOST IMPORTANT!!! Be ever so gentle with yourself. Be kind with yourself. Treat yourself with the loving care you would give to a puppy, a kitten, a bunny, or a newborn baby. You’re becoming a newborn—a newborn badass ;-D.
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As to “badass:” Do you like the term? Do you want something a little different? If so, change the term! To winner. Or savior, activist, healer, sweetheart. Maybe powerhouse. Whatever would describe the you who would love the life you want to live!
 
This week’s work in bullets

• Keep up with the gold stars. Keep developing your IBF (you’re building a neural network, remember?) Keep incorporating your latest insights
• Disrupt regrets
• Disrupt cynicism
• Disrupt assumptions
• If badass doesn’t quite fit, play with other options

 
Hey, remember when I mentioned last week that I had something to share? Here it is: To  make the Badass Challenge more concrete for myself, I ordered a, honest-to-God trophy. The one you see in the picture at the top. It's in Steven's work space, up on a very high shelf waiting for me. I can see it up there, but I can't touch it. Because of that, I know it's not yet mine. My goal this year is to earn it so that it can move from Steven's space to an honored place in my work space. We'll take pictures together that day!

​That's it for this week. Thank you so much for reading. Have a wonderful week. I love you. And remember, you are whole and wise, and if so inclined, divine. Perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now.  ​