Listen to the Podcast Read the blog Badasses are Friends with Their BodiesLast Week’s Tools:
I’m emotionally raw from being transparent. And I’m so moved by life right now because of it. Practicing transparence opened the floodgates to anguishing things for which there hadn’t been time or space to work them out for quite a while now. So, yesterday, I found myself pacing around the living room, bawling “I can’t do this anymore! I can’t hold the space for your hopelessness anymore.” I didn't see this coming. I haven't cried like that in at least a couple of years. My heart pounded. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I hadn't known the extent of my anguish. Yet, instead of going down the rabbit hole, I sat down without any forethought and slowed my breathing. Slowly, I found a balance between allowing myself my feelings and taking care of my body that was so alarmed and wanted things to just slow down a little bit. To my surprise, giving my body what it wanted, the sobbing turned to weeping. My heart stopped pounding and, eventually, the weeping subsided on its own. I got up and went to pee. Definitely a mood changer. I don't want to say more about what this was all about out of respect for other people's privacy. But I can tell you that practicing transparence has not been what I expected. The assumption was that this past week there'd be more openness about internal processes, thoughts and feelings. Instead, it got me in touch with things I didn’t know I was feeling. I’ve learned that being transparent is more powerful than being open because it helps things into the light that you hadn’t been aware of. Discovering things I didn't know I didn't know made it possible to think about new solutions, not to the problem as it had been previously defined, but to the problem as it was actually experienced. Transparence, I saw this week, closes the gap between rationalization and truth. It replaces “managing the situation” with authentic engagement. And, of course, authenticity is healing in itself. And emotional and psychological healing leads to connection with your inner wisdom which leads to tremendous clarity. And this clarity leads to insight that leads to tailor-made solutions. This week's solution? It’s time, once again, to let somebody else in, to let somebody else help. It’s time to get some therapy again. Because, really, why lone-wolf it when there are so many people who have spent years studying how best to help you with your problems? I have a feeling, I’m only scratching the surface so far. Yet, the transformative power of transparence is already palpable in my life. I’m thinking, let’s do this for another week. And this week, let’s add embodiment since that is the overarching theme for the rest of this month and it made such a difference in how I handled my meltdown. Your consciousness and your body are dance partners. This coming week’s work in bullets:
The body has its own knowledge that is distinct from the mind’s understanding. This becomes more and more evident as you include the body in your daily life, simply by consulting it as you would a creative partner you work very closely with. Here is how you can go about doing that Imagine you’re part of a dance couple who is developing a seriously badass routine. You create and practice the movements together. Over and over. Day after day until you synchronize just so. Think of your consciousness and your body as dance partners. Set some time aside, a minute or two, several times a day to visualize these two bodies dancing together in harmony. You can start simply: When you’re hungry, put your hand on your belly and ask kindly, Hey you, what do you want to eat? Listen closely and eat accordingly as much as you can work out. When you get dressed, ask your body, Sweetheart, what do you want to wear? If you feel upset, put your hand where it seems to feel right and trust that your body is guiding you. Ask it, how is this situation for you? What do you want to happen? Practice being transparent At least once a day, be transparent. Look for opportunities. When you find one, such as something that brings up a lot of feeling, let your body guide your hand and ask it, what do you want to reveal? What do you want to share? If you haven't done this before, this process may seem very, very strange to you at first. You may not be able to hear your body clearly right away. But as you go along, you both get better at this. You can listen more closely and your body, encouraged by your listening, can answer more fully. If this seems like nonsense, there are philosophical and spiritual explanations that might intrigue you. But I think that would be getting off subject. We're here to become badasses who have the courage and personal power to create and live the lives we want. So, I hope it will suffice to say that, for one thing, you can give it a try and see for yourself. And for another, remember that at least half the cells in your body are not you. They are micro-animals like bacteria, viruses, fungi, and other microbes that are life forms completely distinct and separate from you. In other words, if you feel weird about talking to yourself, there’s a lot of other creatures inside of you that you can talk to. It’s truly awesome and awe inspiring. So, go ahead and talk to your body and then listen. Trust me, it works and it's amazing :) Thank you so much for reading. I love you. And as you probably know by now, I see you as whole and wise, and because I am so inclined, as divine, perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. Bye for now.
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Listen to the Podcast Read the blog TransparenceLast Week’s Tools: No tools last week. Tools from the week prior:
I’m always feel so drawn to talk about everything that happened since the last post . You know—the high and low lights. How we got snowed and that the power went out. But I won’t because it just feels too narcissistic. And boring. Each podcast does start with me writing about all that stuff because I’m really captivated by my own life. And I love myself deeply and abidingly. To myself, I think I’m totally... Wait, I’m getting off track! Where were we? Right! I meant to say, I write it all down so I can see the lesson. And that’s the part I want to share on the podcast. If your curios about the details, you can go ahead and read the blog post. But here, I want to think in terms of, What can I offer you that is of value to you? That supports you in empowering yourself? In the interest of transparency, I have to admit, though, that a part of me does want to go on and on about my life and possibly put it in the most interesting way I can manage to hopefully get you to like me and admire me and need me. That needy and self-centered part of me is who I’m going to hug right now and give love and validation and empathy to. When I’m done, I’ll be back and get to the nuggets I promised. I hope this works as a podcast. We’ll see. My badasserie may desert me. If it does, I will tell you. Ok I’m back and have this to say: The above paragraph was brought to you by badasserie in action, though I didn’t know it in the moment. Reading back over it, I noticed that I was super uncomfortable with it. Why? Because I was being way more transparent than usual. And that made me scared because it’ll leave me open to judgment and criticism. Ick! So vulnerable! Are you dreaming of becoming a badass who isn’t vulnerable? I do—till now, unconsciously. Are you striving to become the kind of badass where you’re not touched by haters because of your tough exterior? I am. But I know better and, so, I caution against it. A front is a front is a front and, as such, will eventually crumble and, worse, in the meantime, it won’t actually hold you up when you need holding up because it’s a protective layer, not an exoskeleton. So, being transparent is, as I see it this week, part of being badass: Here are two reasons: Firstly, when you’re transparent, you signal to yourself that you’ve decided to trust that who you are is all right, so all right that you’re willing to show yourself for all the world to see. Secondly, when your transparent, the world has nothing to blackmail you with into acquiescence, silence, cooperation. And that means something very, very special--you are freed to stop compromising so much and, instead, live the life that matters most to you. If that isn’t badass, I don’t know what is! And here’s an addendum: That heady sense of don’t give a f$^&^ doesn’t last so you’ll have to repeat this process of practicing transparence over and over. It’s like brushing teeth: You gotta remove the plaque every day. This coming week’s work in bullets:
More often is better. That said, check in with yourself regularly and turn to your Internal Best Friend I talked about in Week 2 in Review ( link). You don’t want to accidentally abuse yourself by revealing what doesn’t feel right to reveal. Keep trusting the feelings that come up in the process of becoming a badass and let them guide you. Thank you so much for reading. I love you. And as you probably know by now, I see you as whole and wise, and because I am so inclined, as divine, perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. Bye for now. Note: Due to the power outage, I didn't get to record a podcast this week. But I wrote a blog post, using my phone. Read the blog Snow & Errol FlynnLast Week’s Tools:
![]() I felt completely paralyzed during the power outage. In the past, I found them to be fun, like a forced vacation. But this time, all I felt was anxiety. Things got better because Steven got out about 20 candles. That brightened up the house. We let the kitchen gas burners burn and they kept the house at a steady seventy degrees. This morning, on a walk to get some coffee (no coffee at home without electricity), we helped dig out a van stuck in the snow and that was fun. Everyone working together, being helpful felt good. Back at the house, we made lunch and I continued to feel non-directional anxiety. Once the power came back on, I didn’t feel the relief I expected. I felt bruised as one would feel in the aftermath of an ordeal. I guess it was an ordeal. Though I don’t think it needed to be. I examined my thinking and my perspective and saw that I’ve been feeling victimized:
I expected the journey to badass-ness to go in a straight line, allowing for setbacks. But it hasn’t been like that. I’ve felt more thwarted than anything else. But today, I looked at this feeling victimized and I realized, there are some things I need to, either choose or change. If I feel I’m the victim of having to deal with Kiki’s incontinence, I either need to And here the power went out again for almost a whole other day. Interestingly, the second time, I immediately got the candles ready and distributed them around the house for after-dark use. Steven and I, both, took the bull by the horns and did not feel victimized this time. Once the power came back on, I felt the relief I missed the first time and I didn’t feel bruised. The difference was in how I met the moment: The first time, I went to helplessness and the resulting passivity which left me feeling depressed, abused and bruised, even after the power came back on. The second time, I aggressively got out in front, using what I learned the first time about the candles and other ways in which to prep for and manage the situation. I refused to think about the mistreatment we receive due to the demographic of where we live. It occurs to me that being a badass doesn’t feel badass. In the back of my mind, I envisioned I’d feel triumphant all the time, tough, in-charge, loud, aggressive, ruffian-like (things I, then, would need to hide), unstoppable, emotionally coarser, running roughshod over any obstacles. It is dawning on me that being badass isn’t like swashbuckling. It isn’t Errol Flynn swinging off the rigging with a sword. Maybe it feels no particular way. Maybe it’s how you act under pressure, in an emergency. Maybe it’s moving forward when you’re scared of the unknown. All that said, I still want a little Errol with my badassery. This coming week’s work in bullets: No tools this week. We all have enough to do with the weather! And if you're living in sunshine and warm temps? Keep doing what you're doing, your gorgeous being :) Thank you so much for reading. I love you. I see you as whole and wise, and because I am so inclined, as divine, perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. By for now.
Listen to the Podcast Read the blog Practice Trusting YourselfLast Week’s Tools:
When I started to write this week’s entry, one thing seemed immediately clear: the needle hadn’t moved toward badasserie because I’d forgotten to stay in the practice. Except, I was wrong about that. There's a great little word frequently used in the German language, pedantisch. It describes the stickler: wedded to the details and rules. But for something to take flight requires air under the wings and runway under the wheels, not just the rules of the skies. I felt lousy and attributed it to not having practiced my badass tools. It’s a logical conclusion but not necessarily the right one. Being a badass doesn’t always mean feeling victorious, sometimes, it feels like hanging on by the skin of your teeth. Nancy Pelosi comes to mind during the State of the Union Address this week. The way she clapped back at the current president—no doubt badass! I bet she doesn’t always feel like she’s killing it. Like, for instance, the entire second term of the Obama administration after the Democrats lost in the midterms in 2010. I bet she was hanging on for dear life! And look where she is now! My own goal was modest, I just wanted to file State taxes in five states without a complete meltdown. And I did! The needle moved, after all! Truth is, on the journey to being a badass, there will be turbulence. There will be times in which, when faced with what went wrong, you forget what you got right. But part of badass training is to hold on to the control stick. The airplane may drop a thousand feet in an air pocket and that’ll feel horrible. Oxygen masks will dangle from the ceiling. But then the wings will catch the air again. Never fly like you’re going to crash. Fly like you're going to stick the landing. That’s been my insight this week. A rough ride means nothing, except, “rough ride.” You may have noticed that there is nothing in this week's blog about your trustworthiness. That's so because, who should be the judge of it? And, when something is made conditional, the bar always rises. And you can never win. I propose you trust yourself as a generative process, which is what a practice is. You don't need to be worthy of it, deserving of it, or justified. Practice trusting yourself for no other reason than that you said so. That's the badass move. This coming week’s work in bullets:
February’s overarching theme is “Embodiment”—allowing the whole body to participate in the transformative journey. To that end, you can cultivate and repeat thoughts (adding to your Badass neural network) that express your self-trust, such as, well, “I trust you!” And as you say that--or something else that resonates specifically with you--you can place your hands on your body wherever it guides you. For me, that’s almost always the heart area. If you’re not sure, try various hand positions. There are as many different reasons for not trusting yourself 100% as there are people. Experiment with different placements and let your body guide you. If something feels good and like you can breathe more freely, you can go with that.
Thank you so much for reading. I love you. I see you as whole and wise, and because I am so inclined, as divine, perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. By for now.
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March 2024
Henry India HoldenI write about the divineness of life in its many forms. Writer, artist, spiritual director, life coach, tarotist. Nonbinary. |