Gender, Rather a Spectrum, Is Best Understood as Hues on a Palette

Dear Cis People,

As a cis person, you may have heard the term, but you may not be sure what it means. So, let’s start there. Cis is short for cisgender. It relates, per one dictionary, to a person whose self-identity conforms with the gender that corresponds to the common* interpretation of their biological sex. So, if you have a vagina and think of yourself as a woman, you’re cis. If you have a penis and think of yourself as a man, you’re cis. If you have a vagina and don’t feel very strongly about identifying as a woman, you may be a hue of nonbinary on the color palette.

I use the term palette instead of spectrum—the word frequently used to describe gender diversity—because it further illuminates the non-binary ("binary" means "involving two things," for example-female and male, or binary systems-a system with two suns.). Because, you see, there’s not a neat little slider you can move left or right until you settle on exactly where your gender is positioned right in between two other perfectly definable gradations. Palette of colors can be a useful concept because a palette contains the ingredients that can create infinite variety: A little bit of blue with red and black mixes to a beautiful shade of plum for one person, a dab of vermilion with yellow and white become luminous apricot for someone else. Whether apricot or plum, or another color, what all gender-nonconforming people have in common is that they don’t identify as standardized, unchanging, and uniform colors like, say--and we do say--pink for the female gender and blue for the male gender.

Even if you would, upon consideration, not think of yourself as solidly pink or blue, chances are you haven’t given much thought to whether your gender is female or something else. Why would you? Vagina equals woman; penis, man. It’s self-evident. Well, it only needs no further proof if everyone shares the lived experience of that truth. Not everyone does. Some human beings don’t feel like women or like men. To them, the gender roles, as set forth by society, are restrictive and painful. To us—as I am part of that wide-ranging palette—these roles feel, at best, like a bad fit, at worst like a destructive lie the telling of which would hollow us out, estrange us from ourselves until we feel like aliens who cannot get comfortable portraying gender roles that have been, strangely, tied to our genitalia.

To get back to the idea that you may not think very much about your gender identity. Imagine for a moment that you would introduce yourself by saying, Hi, my name is Becky and I’m not exactly a woman. How would that feel? Utterly false, right? (If not, then grab a palette and start mixing your own special hue.) That’s how it feels for a nonbinary person who tries to present themselves as one of the binary genders. Singularly pink or blue—either feel utterly false in their singularity.

I hope this gives you a little insight into the gender-nonbinary and how exciting it is! Imagine that all your life you’ve thought of yourself as simply pink. But now, with the realization that gender is as diverse as a limitless palette, you might realize you’d like a dab of blue with your pink for a beautiful purple, or a dollop of blue and lots of white for a bright turquoise to make that perfect shade of you. What freedom! What color! On the other hand, if you’re perfect as pink, I say, 'Beautiful'

For now, that’s as much as I want to say about the nonbinary which is a term in itself, as well as a descriptor for gender diversity (more than two genders). Here's why: I really want to get to what you can do! How can you create a world in which gender is no longer presented as purely binary in a way that makes a positive difference? So here are seven points to guide you when you find yourself around nonbinary folks and in nonbinary spaces...
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1. Be aware of your power
   
   
2. Believe me when I say that as soon as you enter the room as a cis person, power tips toward you like water in a tilted cup because society has imbued you with this power as a cis person. It makes no difference if you don’t want it. Likely you don’t, but for better or worse, until things change, you have automatic power. This has been internalized by everyone, including gender non-conforming people--often unconsciously. So practice mindfulness regarding your expressions, body language, gestures, words, and ideas—they carry disproportionate weight. Think of yourself as Sonia Sotomayor, the Supreme Court Justice, whose every word carries the weight of law. You have the power to affect lives because the group you belong to—the cis group—sets the standards, the protocols, the etiquette, even whose lives and bodies should be studied so they can be better understood and embraced.
   
   
3. Ask questions, using ALMA.
   
   Instead of making statements to show how versed and capable you are as an ally, ask questions. Don’t erase the non-binary reality of a differently-gendered person by being blind to their nonbinariness. "OK by me, you're still just you!", is one I frequently hear. Ask questions, get it right. Ask questions, get it wrong. If you get it wrong use this acronym, ALMA: Apologize. Learn. Move on. Ask questions again.
   
   As to what kinds of questions to ask: Try asking questions that show the other person you’re interested in them and that help draw that person out and encourage them to share who they authentically are. For example, a question that I like is, "What has it been like, being on your gender journey?" Try not to ask questions that are mainly about satisfying your own curiosity; it can make the other person feel like, well, a curiosity or like Google. So yes, questions can be tricky. But the risk is worth it. Questions can help build bridges by dispelling misunderstandings and bringing you closer together. I promise, most conversations with a gender diverse individual will be engaging because each nonbinary experience is a unique mix of colors.
   
   
4. Avoid cis-fragility
   
   Try not to do too much hand-wringing when you get it wrong because that makes it about you, and remember, as a cis person, everything is already about you, everywhere, all day long. So, having privilege, however invisible it may be to you, you can give the gift of making the moment about the other person who is often marginalized and misgendered by moving on after your apology. (the "M" in ALMA.)
   
   
5. Don't cis-splain
   
   Once you’ve learned a few things, resist “cis-splaining” (like "mansplaining", explaining something to a nonbinary person that they likely have a better understanding of than you do). If you notice yourself doing it, just stop. No one will mind. Ask instead, "What are your thoughts?"
   
   
6. Listen
   
   Listen 95 percent of the time, talk 5 percent of the time. As a cis person, you belong to the group that is automatically heard. Learn from, and validate nonbinary folks by giving them the microphone. It says: 'You are important to me. I respect you. I’m here to learn from you.’
   
   
7. Avoid generalizing
   
   Use “I” statements because, let’s face it, at the end of the day, we each can only speak for ourselves.
   
   
8. Learn
   
   Look up some of these terms if you don't yet know them: "Gender diversity", “Gender-nonbinary", “gender-nonconforming”, “genderfluid", and “genderqueer". That’s a good start. Look up the following concepts: “Gender identity” and “cisnormativity.” The former is about understanding what is so important about being seen for the actual gender you identify as. The latter is the term that describes your lived experience if you identify strictly as female or male.. By having a term that describes your lived experience—cisnormativity—you can begin to understand that your experience is a subset of the--rather than "thee"--human experience just as much as nonbinariness is. And finally, learn about the meaning of the term “authentic self.” This is the holy grail, the thing a person on their nonbinary journey most immediately seeks: to know and be known and accepted as the shade and hue they truly are.

* Common definitions of gender are also in question and slowly morphing into something more nuanced and varied.