Listen to the podcast Read the blog What is an Internal Best Friend or IBF?Last week's tools for becoming a badass were:
To get oriented, let's revisit the concept of a badass. As of now, I define a badass as someone who is willing and able to fully step into their power to do and be what is in their heart of hearts. For me, that is empowering people to help heal the separation in the world. For you, this may be learning a second language, opening a yoga studio, protecting the earth, advancing social justice, climbing a mountain, or creating a relationship that soars. Whatever it is, it’s something you want, and you know it will take some serious badasserie to make it happen. For that purpose, each week, I develop and practice tools and use them daily. I invite you to do this challenge along with me and to adjust anything, such as objectives, tools, and definitions, to allow your process to be true to you so that you can be your authentic self. I look forward to hearing from you what your experiences are, either in the comments, on Facebook, or you can shoot me an email. For Week 1, I wanted to develop an aspect of myself that I call the Internal Best friend, or IBF. I used two tools in an evening ritual before I drifted off to sleep. Firstly, I mentally scanned my day and then visualized rewarding myself with 5 gold stars or a gold trophy. Secondly, I committed to asking myself 'How would my IBF help me with that?' at any time, day or night, if I ran into a problem with attitude, fear, frustration, and so on. Here is a summary of what happened this past week, Week 1. I right away run into problems. Night 1, I brows on my phone and completely space the exercise, even with the sticky note reminder on my pillow. The next two nights, I manage to remember but there is tremendous resistance in me. I’m unable to visualize anything! In scanning the day, I can’t find anything star-worthy. Asking, ‘What would my IBF do?’ is the only saving grace. Seems, my IBF (remember: an aspect of my personality I am developing) is very calming and kind. And much more level-headed than me. Day three, I wake up in a rotten mood and seriously question if this works! Then it occurs to me, hey (!), you might be going through the same thing! I should mention that I feel like quitting instead of ignoring that that just happen! So, in case you’re about to quit, you’re not a bad person, all is not lost, and this is obviously just par for the course. Here’s something that helped me and may help you, too: I reminded myself that it takes a minimum 21 days to build a neural network (a 30-day practice gives you a better chance at establishing one, and 12 months of practicing a new skill will change your life forever). Building a baby neural network and then enlarging it through repetition is what actually happens when we say “building a habit.” I also noticed that I was going into this with serious overconfidence. When it didn’t work right away to make me feel better and badassish, I was disappointed. I expected that the 21 days were just going to be about reinforcing what works from day one. I see that I have more to overcome than I thought—there is a lot more self-criticism and self-aggression in my process of digesting and processing my daily life than I’d noticed. This is interesting. Day 2, I also realize that the 5-star-process has gone off the rails. Instead of building myself up—the point of this process—I’m scanning my day for star-worthiness. But clearly, it’s about becoming conscious that I, that we all are, worthy because we are worthy. We are privileged to be alive. We are badasses-in-waiting who are done waiting. Thankfully, I kept at it (knowing I promised another installment helped) and it got easier with every successive day until I wasn’t even waiting till evening to give out gold stars and get advice from my IBF. If you’re not at that stage yet, before you criticize yourself, give yourself a handful of stars and ask your IBF how they can help you right now. We’re doing this together. I can see it’s working. So, if you’re a little lost, you’ll be found. If you get really stuck, reach out to me. Together, we’ll get you unstuck! Let Me Know! How'd it go with you star-giving? What happened when you asked 'How would my IBF help me with that?' Dear friend, thank you for coming along with me. I love you. And remember, you're whole and wise, perfect as you are right now, and as you are not, right now. Blessings. This week's work Keep building your new neural network
What HappenedDay-To-Day in Week 1Listen to the podcast This is a day-by-day account. Listen to it or read it if you think it might help you know what someone else experienced. Night 1: When I see the sticky note I've put on my pillow, I remember to recall the day. But first a little browsing on my phone. Day 2: While I browsed the internet, I forgot! Not happy! Night 2: I'm a really good visualizer but no stars form before my inner eye. No trophies to hand to myself. Nothing except blackness. I finally resort to telling myself, 'OK, I'm handing myself five beautiful stars. OK, now I'm handing myself a shiny trophy!' Ugh! Fail! Fail! Fail! I have to laugh it's so bad. Things are going dreadfully! Rather than germinating a tiny seed of badass self-love, I feel dread and huge resistance. Day 3: A rotten mood! As I lay there with my comforter up to my nose, a small, soft voice in my head pipes up, ‘How would my best friend help me with that that?' My body takes a deep breath of relief. Right, I’m not alone in this. During the day, it occurs to me, 'Maybe this doesn't work!" Then, it occurs to me that you might be going through the same thing, so I had better fess up to it instead of keeping the failure to myself! I remember it takes at least 21 days to build a neural network. But, of course, I’ve expected this approach to work immediately and the 21 days are just about reinforcing what already works. But maybe I’m uncovering that there is a lot more self-criticism and self aggression in my process of digesting and processing my daily life. This is interesting. I wonder if I'd quit if I hadn’t started a podcast. That motivates me to keep going. I don’t know if I will succeed. But I know I will keep at the goal of becoming a badass. In saying that, I realize I haven’t thought about it that way. I looked at the 5-star exercise as a way to make me feel better. Maybe I need to look at it in context. Can’t wait to do that tonight. Night 3: I scan my day and immediately find things I've done badly, or not at all. Where are the "rewardable" things? Everything I turn over in my mind isn't it. Even the things I did right, I only did so-so right. It's awful how negatively I view myself. I'm only now realizing. But this sinking feeling is familiar. I suddenly realize that this is how I feel at the end of every day! Like I failed because I didn't accomplish what I set out to do. Wow! I knew I was putting myself under pressure. But like this? That's an unpleasant surprise, especially considering how much work I've done around self-love. I can't do the gold stars so I switch to asking, 'How would my best friend help me with that?' Oh. They're so sweet to me, reminding me that all my judgement is from the unfair advantage of hindsight. OK. I can work with that. Thank you, IBF. Day 4: I notice that I'm going a little easier on myself this morning, and the world, too, for that matter. Isn't that how it always works? I have a phone call scheduled that I've been scared of for a couple of weeks now. I've been handing my worries off to God the past two weeks but then take them right back again, gripping like a life ring what is, essentially, a rock. No wonder I've been sinking. I had a coaching session yesterday and am super prepared. The call goes fantastic. I want to remember tonight to give myself 5 stars! Night 4: Yay! I have things to give myself gold stars for! Yippy! 10 stars for me! My visualization powers return. I can see myself on a pedestal, crowned with a 5-star crown, holding a gold trophy to fanfares. Trumpet blast--ta-ta-daaaa, ta-ta-da, ta-ta-daaaaa! This is awesome. It's working! Uh-oh! Is it supposed to work this way? Something tells me I'm missing something. Like the whole point of this exercise! The 5 stars aren't supposed to be for accomplishments! They're for nothing other than to acknowledge my fundamental worthiness. Wow, again! The scanning of the day isn't about finding where I've been worthy, it's about encompassing all I've been and done and rewarding all of it, and all of me! That's self-love. That's badasserie--to have the courage to love and reward every inch of myself and my life! Day 5: Feeling remarkably good. Night 5: Is it possible that the gold stars and developing the IBF aspect is already becoming second nature? Could it be happening that fast? Day 6: Feeling groovy! I've added another thing: No regrets! You wouldn't believe how often I have a regret. That hindsight messing with me again.. Night 6: Gold stars like nobody's business! IBF right there beside me. Day 7: I don’t recall what I gave myself five stars for – a good sign. I think it means my process wasn’t tied to performance. Instead of being merit-based, it was good-to-self-based (the kind of badasserie we're after). Summation You know, I’ve been sad. I've been angry about the White House and how the media is helping to perpetuate the sense of separation amongst the people by constantly click-bait-harping on it. Holding a European passport, I've been dreaming of escape. But where to? Who welcomes a genderqueer 61, soon to be 62-year-old creative with spiritual and free-thinking leanings? America, that’s who. Truth is, I have internalized more of that rage than I intended to, in my quest not to engage in spiritual bypassing. After this week, I feel softly empowered. I feel more clear-headed, too. I see that self-care begets self-championing, begets confidence, begets badasserie. I see now, becoming my IBF is healing the separation within myself. Of course. As all wise individuals have said, ‘What we wish to create in the world must first exist within us.’ That said, let not the work stop there. This is only one step. Another step is to bring this whole-making and empowerment-know-how into the world! Next week:
Week 2 (starting tomorrow) was supposed to be about vulnerability and calming the inner critic with love. Pfft! I'm not at all ready to get into that. Maybe next week! This is for week 2: The critic can't be shut down, but it can be soothed. That's where IBF comes in Upcoming: Developing your IBF (Internal Best Friend) with vulnerability: Calming and healing the internal critic with love.
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“One of the most important books I’ve ever read—an indispensable guide to thinking clearly about the world.” – Bill Gates. Gates talks about the book here (2 min video). |
A Life-Changing Book for Change Agents
Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About the World--and Why Things Are Better Than You Think, by Hans Rosling with Ola Rosling and Anna Rosling Rönnlund.
TIME IS IN short supply these days. But not too short to take a moment to bring the book, Factfulness, to your attention. It's a must-read for anyone wanting to help make the world a better place and a great fit for anyone attracted to the AllDivineGlobal initiative to help heal the separation in the world.
One of Factfulness' most startling facts is that world-wide, from Asia to Africa, from Russia to China, from Europe to the Americas, the average number of children born per family today is down to 2.5 children. This is very good news regarding future overpopulation. Families with five, six, seven children are a thing of the past. Factfulness shows that this is due to a drastic reduction of extreme poverty. Which leads to the next amazing fact about world-wide change. To find out what it is, you should go and pick up the book.
We have problems, but...
It is true, there are several troubling trends going on right now in some of the world. But they are probably going to be short-term. No more than a generation or two. Maybe much less. In the long-term, however, trends are extremely encouraging as Hans Rosling is able to demonstrate with hard facts, moving personal anecdotes, humor and humanity. He is a very cool guy: a scientist and a sword swallower!
Rosling starts the book with a quiz the reader can take and then builds the rest of the material around the astounding answers.
A new way to see the world
One of the most helpful things about Factfulness is that Hans Rosling gives us a new model to replace the very binary construct of "developed" and "developing" world. It's eye-opening and consciousness-raising. Just like gender identities can't be accurately described by the binary model of "female" and "male", the world's wellbeing can't be expressed by the binary construct of "rich" and "poor". Rosling, instead, offers a model of "4 Levels," from poorest to richest with the majority of the world living on Level 2 (not on Level 1 as most people who were quizzed assumed). Bill Gates, on his blog, gatesnotes, has a nifty little animated graph here to show the four levels and who lives where and what life on each level looks like.
I recommend you borrow the book from your local library or buy it at your local independent book store. In Seattle you can get it here. (I'm not an affiliate, I just wanted you to have a link to a local store.)
While you wait for your book to arrive in the mail, check out this TED Talk by Hans and his son, Ola.
Blessings,
India
Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About the World--and Why Things Are Better Than You Think, by Hans Rosling with Ola Rosling and Anna Rosling Rönnlund.
TIME IS IN short supply these days. But not too short to take a moment to bring the book, Factfulness, to your attention. It's a must-read for anyone wanting to help make the world a better place and a great fit for anyone attracted to the AllDivineGlobal initiative to help heal the separation in the world.
One of Factfulness' most startling facts is that world-wide, from Asia to Africa, from Russia to China, from Europe to the Americas, the average number of children born per family today is down to 2.5 children. This is very good news regarding future overpopulation. Families with five, six, seven children are a thing of the past. Factfulness shows that this is due to a drastic reduction of extreme poverty. Which leads to the next amazing fact about world-wide change. To find out what it is, you should go and pick up the book.
We have problems, but...
It is true, there are several troubling trends going on right now in some of the world. But they are probably going to be short-term. No more than a generation or two. Maybe much less. In the long-term, however, trends are extremely encouraging as Hans Rosling is able to demonstrate with hard facts, moving personal anecdotes, humor and humanity. He is a very cool guy: a scientist and a sword swallower!
Rosling starts the book with a quiz the reader can take and then builds the rest of the material around the astounding answers.
A new way to see the world
One of the most helpful things about Factfulness is that Hans Rosling gives us a new model to replace the very binary construct of "developed" and "developing" world. It's eye-opening and consciousness-raising. Just like gender identities can't be accurately described by the binary model of "female" and "male", the world's wellbeing can't be expressed by the binary construct of "rich" and "poor". Rosling, instead, offers a model of "4 Levels," from poorest to richest with the majority of the world living on Level 2 (not on Level 1 as most people who were quizzed assumed). Bill Gates, on his blog, gatesnotes, has a nifty little animated graph here to show the four levels and who lives where and what life on each level looks like.
I recommend you borrow the book from your local library or buy it at your local independent book store. In Seattle you can get it here. (I'm not an affiliate, I just wanted you to have a link to a local store.)
While you wait for your book to arrive in the mail, check out this TED Talk by Hans and his son, Ola.
Blessings,
India
OUR THINKING FALLS into roughly two categories. In the first, we think the world is a pretty great place. If that is you, we need you. We need you to spread the message to those of us who don’t know it yet.
In the other category, we think the world isn’t all that great, to say the least. If that is you, I want to talk to you.
I want to talk to you because you can make the world better today by doing this one simple thing: Notice the good around you. Say what? Hang in there, I promise this will make sense.
First, let me give you some numbers that may surprise you. Bear in mind that of the seven and a half billion people in the world, we'll be talking about the approximately 4bn that are in the adult range. The World Giving Index reports that in 2015 one billion people volunteered their time. A staggering 1.4bn people gave to charity and, at 2.2bn, more than half the world’s adults helped out a stranger. That’s quite the picture of altruism.
Now add that, as Index Mundi—an organization that crunches numbers it gets from the American CIA—reports, 90% of the world’s drinking water sources have improved over the last decade and so has 60% of the world’s sanitation. There is great urgency to do more. At the same time, these are numbers we can feel good about.
Studies have shown that our environment is socially contagious. This is how, as I wrote at the beginning, you will make the world better when you notice the good around you. When you do, you naturally pay it forward. You’ve heard the phrase, “She had an infectious smile.” Goodness, like an infectious smile, is socially contagious. You become infected and, in turn, infect others. Thus, you become the source of a positive ripple effect that sets off other ripple effects.
But first, you have to give it your attention. Considering that half of all adults are doing something nice every day, this isn’t hard.
There is more.
How we think about the world affects the world, as well. Here is an example. Have you ever heard it said that people are self-interested? That even altruism is ultimately self-interest because we help others to lessen our own distress? This notion is very much part of the zeitgeist. Yet, it is an invention.
It goes back to Hobbes. Not Hobbs of Calvin and Hobbs fame but Thomas Hobbes, the English 17th Century political philosopher. That was his opinion. He said that when he gave money to a beggar, it wasn’t out of altruism but because he wanted to reduce his own distress. He wrote so persuasively that his contemporaries adopted as fact that we are only motivated by self-interest. Any environment is socially contagious—400 years later, long after the general public has forgotten where it came from, we still believe it.
Recent research shows Hobbes was dead wrong.
It’s understandable that he believed as he did. His perception of human nature was shaped by the English Civil War and the Thirty Year War. With his mental prowess (he wrote Leviathan, a bestseller in 1651) and the force of his personality, he caused society to adopt the belief that we are selfish brutes. There is a feedback loop at work here. Our environment affects us, we, in turn affect our environment. In this sense, the world we have today was, in part, created by his misperception of human nature.
An experiment at the University of Kansas identified how altruism works. There is a great paper here. Briefly put, participants were confronted with a person in dire need of assistance. However, they were given an out—they were assured someone else would step in if they didn’t want to help.
Here is where it gets interesting. Of the subjects who reported feeling distress over the person who needed their help, 67% opted out of helping. Of the subjects who reported feeling empathy, how many do you think opted out? 17%.
The next time someone says you do good deeds just to make yourself feel better, you know the real truth.
Instead of being influenced by Hobbes and the media’s disproportionate negative reporting, let's let ourselves be influenced by the good in the world.
The World Giving Index, beyond a shadow of a doubt, shows us to be quite wonderful. Fortified by the knowledge of our empathy-based altruism, we can leave Hobbes behind.
In the beginning, I wrote that if you already think the world is an amazing place, we need you to spread that message. I hope this post inspires you to start many a ripple effect that initiates countless other ripple effects by sharing that thinking.
If you didn’t think so before, I hope this article inspires you to break with the idea that we are motivated by self-interest and to see sources that advance this notion, like some of the media, for instance, for what it is—a delivery system of disproportionately bad news. Join us and begin to take note when the world around you shows you its good side. Remember, you are someone else’s environment. You can start your own ripple effect. Make the world even better than it is.
In the other category, we think the world isn’t all that great, to say the least. If that is you, I want to talk to you.
I want to talk to you because you can make the world better today by doing this one simple thing: Notice the good around you. Say what? Hang in there, I promise this will make sense.
First, let me give you some numbers that may surprise you. Bear in mind that of the seven and a half billion people in the world, we'll be talking about the approximately 4bn that are in the adult range. The World Giving Index reports that in 2015 one billion people volunteered their time. A staggering 1.4bn people gave to charity and, at 2.2bn, more than half the world’s adults helped out a stranger. That’s quite the picture of altruism.
Now add that, as Index Mundi—an organization that crunches numbers it gets from the American CIA—reports, 90% of the world’s drinking water sources have improved over the last decade and so has 60% of the world’s sanitation. There is great urgency to do more. At the same time, these are numbers we can feel good about.
Studies have shown that our environment is socially contagious. This is how, as I wrote at the beginning, you will make the world better when you notice the good around you. When you do, you naturally pay it forward. You’ve heard the phrase, “She had an infectious smile.” Goodness, like an infectious smile, is socially contagious. You become infected and, in turn, infect others. Thus, you become the source of a positive ripple effect that sets off other ripple effects.
But first, you have to give it your attention. Considering that half of all adults are doing something nice every day, this isn’t hard.
There is more.
How we think about the world affects the world, as well. Here is an example. Have you ever heard it said that people are self-interested? That even altruism is ultimately self-interest because we help others to lessen our own distress? This notion is very much part of the zeitgeist. Yet, it is an invention.
It goes back to Hobbes. Not Hobbs of Calvin and Hobbs fame but Thomas Hobbes, the English 17th Century political philosopher. That was his opinion. He said that when he gave money to a beggar, it wasn’t out of altruism but because he wanted to reduce his own distress. He wrote so persuasively that his contemporaries adopted as fact that we are only motivated by self-interest. Any environment is socially contagious—400 years later, long after the general public has forgotten where it came from, we still believe it.
Recent research shows Hobbes was dead wrong.
It’s understandable that he believed as he did. His perception of human nature was shaped by the English Civil War and the Thirty Year War. With his mental prowess (he wrote Leviathan, a bestseller in 1651) and the force of his personality, he caused society to adopt the belief that we are selfish brutes. There is a feedback loop at work here. Our environment affects us, we, in turn affect our environment. In this sense, the world we have today was, in part, created by his misperception of human nature.
An experiment at the University of Kansas identified how altruism works. There is a great paper here. Briefly put, participants were confronted with a person in dire need of assistance. However, they were given an out—they were assured someone else would step in if they didn’t want to help.
Here is where it gets interesting. Of the subjects who reported feeling distress over the person who needed their help, 67% opted out of helping. Of the subjects who reported feeling empathy, how many do you think opted out? 17%.
The next time someone says you do good deeds just to make yourself feel better, you know the real truth.
Instead of being influenced by Hobbes and the media’s disproportionate negative reporting, let's let ourselves be influenced by the good in the world.
The World Giving Index, beyond a shadow of a doubt, shows us to be quite wonderful. Fortified by the knowledge of our empathy-based altruism, we can leave Hobbes behind.
In the beginning, I wrote that if you already think the world is an amazing place, we need you to spread that message. I hope this post inspires you to start many a ripple effect that initiates countless other ripple effects by sharing that thinking.
If you didn’t think so before, I hope this article inspires you to break with the idea that we are motivated by self-interest and to see sources that advance this notion, like some of the media, for instance, for what it is—a delivery system of disproportionately bad news. Join us and begin to take note when the world around you shows you its good side. Remember, you are someone else’s environment. You can start your own ripple effect. Make the world even better than it is.
You don't become empowered by becoming perfect.
You become empowered by embracing all your imperfection!
An essential part of self-empowerment is to embrace all of who you are!
Elon Musk said, "I think it matters if someone has a good heart."
Would you agree? If so, I'd like to bring your attention to being good-hearted towards yourself.
You don't have to be madly in love with your (take your pick) nasty, needy, helpless, confused, angry, cynical, weak, side. But to be empowered, you must, must bring compassion and empathy to it. You must, must be forgiving toward it. Because when you are not, your flaws become not only your challenges and the things you work on, on your journey to living an empowered life, they become what undermines your power.
It's not berating yourself for your flaws that turn you into Mother Teresa or Elon Musk. It's loving those flaws while steadily building behaviors and perspectives that are in line with who you, in your heart of hearts, want to become.
The best place for self-empowerment is to start with forgiveness of your flaws and then to expand your repertoire to include celebration. Yes, of yourself. All else, your empowerment, usefulness, effectiveness, happiness, and wholeness will flow from these two: Forgiveness and celebration. The following 5-step exercise will give you a good start.
5-Step Self-Empowerment Exercise
Step 1: See both sides
Think of three things (optional: write them down) that you consider strengths in yourself. (For example, three of mine are: I'm a gentle teacher. I have a soft heart. I can be a badass if I have to be.) Hold these things in your heart and soul. Next, think of two things about you that you feel shame about or that you feel guilt about. (For example, two of mine are: I hold grudges, I default to avoidance if I think something could fail.)
Now, in your mind's eye, place these flaws and strengths side by side so you can clearly see that your personality contains both! Take a really good look at the good things about you! Maybe you're passionate, loving, caring--whatever is on your list.
Step 2: Forgive Yourself
Think of your flaws and just plunge in! Try not to overthink it. Just form the thought: "I forgive you." Repeat it like a mantra. (For example, I'll say, "I forgive myself for holding grudges.") The effect is very much amplified if you hug yourself around the middle, or pet your shoulder, or put your hand on your heart. Please try it. Nobody's going to see you do it.
If you can't do it
It's important not to wait till you feel forgiving. The doing will produce the feeling. If you can't bring yourself to say, "I forgive you," imagine saying it to someone else. Someone whom you find it easy to forgive, like a friend or pet. Think of them, or visualize them in your mind's eye, say the words, then switch out their countenance with your own. If you recoil, switch back to the previous visual or thought. Switch back and forth until you can hold an image or thought of yourself while saying, "I forgive you." It may help to use a picture of yourself you may have on your smart phone, or to work in front of a mirror (aptly called "mirror work".)
Step 3: Apply your strengths
The is often a natural symmetry to our strengths and flaws. You can apply your former to your latter. (For example, I might say, "I can be a kind teacher to myself regarding my grudges. I can summon my inner badass regarding my avoidance.") Writing these out may make them easier to craft. You can trust that your strengths can help you with your flaws. I didn't strategically pick my strengths and flaws to coordinate. It just worked out that way as I wrote this post. It will for you, too.
Step 4: Write a love letter
Remember, you don't become empowered by becoming perfect. You become empowered by embracing all of yourself--your flaws and your wonderfulness! You've already started the work of forgiving yourself. Now, write a letter that celebrates your awesome self! (My example: "Dear India, You've done some great work, learning to switch from teaching to facilitating people's self-empowerment. You show people how to see their beautiful, amazing, worthy and lovable selves. And, whaat (?!) you play the guitar. How cool is that!?")
Why not pick up your phone, pad, pen, right now and write your own love letter to yourself? You don't need it, but just in case you want it, I give you full permission to write it. You'll be surprised how it will lift you up. And if you want your self-empowerment to climb as steep as a rocket, write yourself a love letter every week, maybe even several times a week for the next little while.
Listen, no B.S, you deserve to treat yourself with a kind heart and with love! You are as beautiful and unique as a snowflake. There'll never be anyone else like you in the world. Sure, that statement has become a cliché. So what? Just let it sink in anyway: You. Are. Extraordinary. There. Is. No. One. Else. In. The. World. Like. You.
Step 5: A Mantra to make it stick
To make your advancements stick and to drastically reduce the amount of time it takes to maintain them, you can create a mantra that helps you remember the gist of your love letters so you can benefit long after having written them. My go-to mantra is: You are whole, wise, and divine, perfect as you are and as you are not.
This is a process. With this Self-Empowerment exercise, you are building a self-empowerment neural network. Right now, it's a tiny baby network. To grow it: Repeat the 3 steps. The more often, the bigger and stronger, and therefore, more effective this network becomes in helping you become empowered.
Keep at it. I know you can do this!
I love you,
India
PS: If "snowflake" gave you a little twinge because of how some people use it to put other people down, read this post.
PPS: Parts of this exercise is from my self-empowerment and trauma healing course, Wise Peer.
Let's reclaim the term snowflake! Snowflakes are magical and they're unique! Everybody knows that!
We've compared the beauty and uniqueness of individual humans with that of snowflakes for more than a hundred years. I'm not willing to let some upstart with a film camera (you know who you are) take what is good and beautiful and very true and weaponize it to hurt people.
Snowflake is an apt description for us gender diverse people because if there's one thing we all have in common it's that each our experience of gender identity is an utterly unique felt and lived experience. So, let's join together in a loud and proud chorus: "I'm a unique snowflake!"
We've compared the beauty and uniqueness of individual humans with that of snowflakes for more than a hundred years. I'm not willing to let some upstart with a film camera (you know who you are) take what is good and beautiful and very true and weaponize it to hurt people.
Snowflake is an apt description for us gender diverse people because if there's one thing we all have in common it's that each our experience of gender identity is an utterly unique felt and lived experience. So, let's join together in a loud and proud chorus: "I'm a unique snowflake!"
Trendsetter, California, is again at the forefront of championing renewable energy to address climate change. A new regulation, to go into effect by 2020, will have builders include solar panels on every California home. The extra cost is expected to be recouped with savings on electricity. Not only that, homeowner will contribute their excess energy to the public grid. Now that's working together! For more in-depth reading go here.
Norway, another champion of sustainability (about half of its cars sold last year were electric or hybrid), has moved to protect it's beautiful fjords and islands, by requiring that all ships traveling the Norway coast and harbors to be electric. Wow, electric ships! This is a huge boon for the push to electrify all marine transport to reduce pollution of our precious ocean waters. More. And still more.
Carlos Alvarado. That's the name of the first president of a nation to commit to making an entire country carbon-free. The former journalist said during his inauguration speech as the new president of Costa Rica, "Decarbonisation is the great task of our generation and Costa Rica must be one of the first countries in the world to accomplish it, if not the first.” Followed by, “We have the titanic and beautiful task of abolishing the use of fossil fuels in our economy to make way for the use of clean and renewable energies.” Bravo Costa Rica. More on that story on the website Positive.News.
Well my friend, that’s the end of this week’s post. May you have a beautiful, beautiful day!
India Susanne Holden is the author of Crafting a Happy Life and The World Is Better than You Think. They are a writer, teacher, speaker, workshop & seminar leader, musician, artist, personal & spiritual development coach, Reiki Master, Tarot reader, entrepreneur, and genderqueer feminist. and
Image: By ESO/M. Kornmesser via Wikimedia Common
IT HURT BUT it had to be done—your quirks needed snipping. Your peers taught you that. Their eye rolls and snide remarks made clear your idiosyncrasies weren’t welcome.
Do you remember the curious and wild kid you once were?
My friend Maggie was like that. At fourteen years old, she was still resisting peer pressure, doing things like making funny faces and animal noises, dancing little happy dances. A small but important moment one summer afternoon changed that.
I was reminded of Maggie this week because of the marvelous wildness Gay Pride brought out in Seattleites.
Steven and I ate lunch near Seattle Center. Seated outside in the warm air, enjoying the kaleidoscope of self-expression swirling around us, I wished our sidewalks were crowded with such colorfulness all summer.
Maggie, a long time ago, also spent a colorful summer afternoon outdoors. She was at a street bazaar, walking along stalls of handmade jewelry and watercolor paintings. Silk dragon-shaped kites bobbed and crackled in the breeze. She loved the atmosphere! As she was wont to do, she closed her eyes, spread her arms and twirled around. This time, an unexpected jerk on her elbow brought her to a stop.
She opened her eyes and saw a blue uniform in front of her. She looked up into the face of a policeman.
“Are you high?” he demanded to know.
“I’m…I’m not,” she sputtered, surprised and a little scared.
Holding on to her elbow, he grilled her for her name, where she lived, and why she had behaved like that.
“You look high,” he insisted.
“I don’t do drugs!”
The officer bent down and stared at her pupils. He released her reluctantly.
“Dancing on the sidewalk is a hazard. It’s not allowed.”
It probably wasn’t even true. Yet, this small experience changed Maggie; she doesn’t remember ever dancing around on the sidewalk after that.
Because humans are herd animals, most of us naturally fall in line, together forming a shared cultural identity to which we become deeply attached and protective of.
Unless a culture is made of fire breathers, acrobats and circus clowns, we tamp down too much self-expression as that cop did with Maggie. Once he ascertained she wasn’t high, wouldn’t it have been nice if he’d smiled and said, “Carry on,” rather than chastise her?
Instead, it’s snip, snip, snip wildness into perfect topiaries. Crop those identities until our culture approves.
Yet, our herding and conforming is only a part of a greater reality beyond the material world I have personally experienced. Called the lovely “ground of all being” in Hinduism, the divine gives rise to unlimited diversity from which to fashion ourselves: quirky, creative, imagination, unique. In the all-ness of our divine nature every expression is allowed, nothing is a threat because divine love draws a circle large enough to include everything and everyone.
What if we focus more on loving than on our complicated feelings about difference? Will we stop fearing otherness? Will we, instead, find a sweet clarity that lets us see the divine spark in each other? If so, perhaps this shared divinity is a greater comfort than conformity could ever be.
The next time you reign yourself in, suppressing a guffaw or witticism you fear is too queer for the company you keep, see if you can’t let it happen with a twinkle or a wink. (Confidence is a secret ingredient to putting people at ease.)
The next time you’re struck by someone’s otherness—say, a homeless person, begging in front of a grocery store —see if you can espy the wild divine, instead. If so, you may find strangeness interesting rather than threatening.
What if Maggie hadn’t encountered that uniformed defender of propriety? How might she be different today? Of course, we can't know. But we can imagine that she might still be dancing in the street. Wouldn’t that be fun to see?
Well my friend, that’s the end of this week’s post. I hope it made your brain boogie, your heart holler, and your mouth water for a little wildness. Salute and may you have a beautiful, beautiful day!
India Susanne Holden is the author of Crafting a Happy Life and The World Is Better than You Think. They are a writer, teacher, speaker, workshop & seminar leader, musician, artist, personal & spiritual development coach, Reiki Master, Tarot reader, entrepreneur, and genderqueer feminist.
By India Susanne Holden
It's possible to recognize the divine and feel the connection with our kin in the most seemingly ordinary, unlikely, and fleeting moments.
When I sat down at the bar counter, waiting to pay my lunch tab, a man shouted to the bartender, “I’ll pay for that and a drink, if the lady will have one.” Against the impulse to shut him out, I said yes. He bought me a whiskey and called me a beautiful woman. I didn’t have the heart to say, “Not exactly. I’m genderqueer.” Instead, I said, “I’ll be sure to tell my husband you said that. He’ll be tickled.”
He was a drunk with advanced skills. Expertly pushing vowels and consonants around the marbles filling his mouth with a well-practiced tongue. The thought occurred to me: “I could see him instead of judging him.” I looked into his eyes—enlarged by thick glasses and so open, so drunkenly unguarded and hopeful. He was just back, he confided to me, from damp and green Ireland. He traced his ancestral line across two seas, stopped in Fiji and played golf in the warm rain. He sums up his story, saying, “I love people. I have a beautiful life.” His eyes are moist with alcohol and feeling as he tells me this. I prioritize the emotion over the liquor. I can feel that that love is his essence. I see you, I think.
We fall into easy conversation. He’s just returned from Europe; I am from the Old World. He’s been to Munich; I grew up there. We both love Paris; we drink to the City of Light. He talks about the money he’s made and his daughter to whom he’s close. I talk about the book I’ve written, about being a life coach and tarot reader. “That’s a wonderful profession”, he says. We share our stories of becoming whiskey lovers. We even talk politics.
Unexpectedly, I love him. The shiny rims of his glasses frame his soul. I think of the famous exhortation, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” For the first time, I notice that this pronouncement entreats the listener to love “themself.” I think, Why not love this stranger by seeing him as he hopes to be seen? I’m suddenly grateful that I learned to love myself along the way and can use this feeling as a guide to loving my boozy bar neighbor. I am reminded of an exquisitely captivating book I read decades ago, That Man is You, by Louis Evely, that describes how to recognize Jesus in everyone. I notice how lovely my conversation partner is, the sensitive curve of his upper lip, the soft, yet dignified line of his jaw, the tanned skin, the waves of graying blond hair. We raise our glasses and smile. I finish my drink. We say goodbye. As I walk to the door he calls after me, “My name is…” He spells each letter of his last name with slow precision.
I’ll remember you.
Well my friend, that’s the end of this week’s post. Salute and have a beautiful, beautiful day!
India Susanne Holden is the author of Crafting a Happy Life and The World Is Better than You Think. They are a writer, teacher, speaker, workshop & seminar leader, musician, artist, personal & spiritual development coach, Reiki Master, Tarot reader, entrepreneur, and genderqueer feminist.
A good poem is like pop rocks for the brain. Reading the lines, an experience crackles into being so real as if you’d actually had it. If the poem delivers an unfamiliar experience, it becomes a revelation. That’s the definition of a great poem. It is the reason poetry can do more than move us. It changes us through the new experiences it calls forth.
fMRI studies reveal that poetry stimulates our pleasure centers, which would explain why poetry lovers are so avid. I’d like to share with you a lovely poem I heard on the Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor that tickled my pleasure centers. Garrison recites it in the most marvelously soothing voice. If you want to hear or read it, go here for the Friday, June 3rd, 2016 program of the Almanac.
The poem is Some Glad Morning by Minnesota poet laureate Joyce Sutphen. It begins,
One day, something very old
happened again. The green
came back to the branches
settling like leafy birds
Because it is a copyrighted work, I can’t print it in full. To read all of it, and I hope you do, here is the link again. Enjoy!
Can you guess which phrase lit my pleasure centers?
Finally, if you’re not ready to read poetry because you got the popular, however false, impression that poetry is hard, you now have an excellent justification to seek out the poetry that is right for you. The new studies show that reading poetry promotes introspection by activating the posterior cingulate cortex and medial temporal lobes. So, when your teacher suggested that poetry will help you evolve as a person, they* were right. I would add that poetry is one of those exquisite things that make the world better every day.
If you are one of the souls who have snubbed poetry, heartbreaking pleasure awaits you once you come across the poetry that speaks to you. Heartbreaking because it cracks your armor to let the light in.
My style of choice in American poetry is Midwestern because it is so down-to-earth. Of course, I also love the classics, but I don’t read them on a regular basis because the work to pleasure ratio is too high for me. But Midwestern, ahh…that is easy and so yummy!
Poetry from the South is different from poetry written in the heartland. Metropolitan is different than country. Evocative poetry paints a picture, rhetorical poems convey abstract ideas. The Poetry Foundation is a brilliant online browsing resource. A little digging, using these terms as keywords, and you’ll find your match. Do it, you’ll thank me.
Well my friend, that’s the end of this week’s post. I hope it made your brain boogie, your heart holler, and your mouth water for a little wildness. Salute and may you have a beautiful, beautiful day!
India Susanne Holden is the author of Crafting a Happy Life and The World Is Better than You Think. They are a writer, teacher, speaker, workshop & seminar leader, musician, artist, personal & spiritual development coach, Reiki Master, Tarot reader, entrepreneur, and genderqueer feminist.
fMRI studies reveal that poetry stimulates our pleasure centers, which would explain why poetry lovers are so avid. I’d like to share with you a lovely poem I heard on the Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor that tickled my pleasure centers. Garrison recites it in the most marvelously soothing voice. If you want to hear or read it, go here for the Friday, June 3rd, 2016 program of the Almanac.
The poem is Some Glad Morning by Minnesota poet laureate Joyce Sutphen. It begins,
One day, something very old
happened again. The green
came back to the branches
settling like leafy birds
Because it is a copyrighted work, I can’t print it in full. To read all of it, and I hope you do, here is the link again. Enjoy!
Can you guess which phrase lit my pleasure centers?
Finally, if you’re not ready to read poetry because you got the popular, however false, impression that poetry is hard, you now have an excellent justification to seek out the poetry that is right for you. The new studies show that reading poetry promotes introspection by activating the posterior cingulate cortex and medial temporal lobes. So, when your teacher suggested that poetry will help you evolve as a person, they* were right. I would add that poetry is one of those exquisite things that make the world better every day.
If you are one of the souls who have snubbed poetry, heartbreaking pleasure awaits you once you come across the poetry that speaks to you. Heartbreaking because it cracks your armor to let the light in.
My style of choice in American poetry is Midwestern because it is so down-to-earth. Of course, I also love the classics, but I don’t read them on a regular basis because the work to pleasure ratio is too high for me. But Midwestern, ahh…that is easy and so yummy!
Poetry from the South is different from poetry written in the heartland. Metropolitan is different than country. Evocative poetry paints a picture, rhetorical poems convey abstract ideas. The Poetry Foundation is a brilliant online browsing resource. A little digging, using these terms as keywords, and you’ll find your match. Do it, you’ll thank me.
Well my friend, that’s the end of this week’s post. I hope it made your brain boogie, your heart holler, and your mouth water for a little wildness. Salute and may you have a beautiful, beautiful day!
India Susanne Holden is the author of Crafting a Happy Life and The World Is Better than You Think. They are a writer, teacher, speaker, workshop & seminar leader, musician, artist, personal & spiritual development coach, Reiki Master, Tarot reader, entrepreneur, and genderqueer feminist.
WHAT DO CUCUMBERS, a vase of tulips, a basin full of milk, Koi in a sink, and a mystery item have in common? They are the things I was able to recall several months after I committed them to memory, using a memory palace.
However, a memory palace is only one prong in a three-pronged approach. If you have poor memory, the techniques described in this article may show that the situation is better than you think.
First, let me explain how I remembered the above random items. I did so by building a memory palace—a route in my home. I started at the front door floor mat, then proceeded through the kitchen to the back of the house. Along the way, I stopped at the coffee table, followed by the three sinks in the kitchen (don’t ask). I chose these places because I use them every day, a crucial feature of any mind palace.
At each stop, I visualized one of the above items. I repeated the same journey three times, only. At the entrance, I looked down at the floor mat and imagined seeing three cucumbers lying in a pile. Next, I wandered over to the coffee table and admired an imaginary bouquet of orange tulips. I rounded the corner into the kitchen, stopped at the first sink and looked in, “seeing” it half full of milk. The second sink, I filled with beautiful orange, black and silvery-white Koi fish. What did I “put” into the last sink? I don’t remember. Scissors, maybe?
The recall just isn’t there. However, with another technique, deep coding, it would be.
The memory exercise I have described above is variously called the method of loci (loci meaning location), invented by the Greeks, or “memory palace.”
This mnemonic technique employs spatial memory and familiar information. Hence, I did not choose the garden shed as one of those places. If you saw my backyard, you’d see the proof of my lack of familiarity with it.
Having experienced the limits of the mind palace (what was in sink number three?), I stopped investing in it until I read about deep encoding in the science magazine Nautilus.
It recently told of the actor John Basinger. He spent nine years in which he successfully memorized John Milton’s poem, Paradise Lost, a 60,000 word poem that encompasses 12 books! He did so while walking on a treadmill while deeply contemplating the work’s meaning.
The difference between deep encoding and shallow encoding—as a memory palace does—is that the memorizer adds two things: physical action (like walking on a treadmill) and analyzing, or becoming related to the things to be remembered—Basinger pondering the meaning of Milton’s epic poem while memorizing it.
In contrast, in my memory experiment, I employed action by walking to each place while visualizing the things I wanted to remember. But I did not drill down to the deeper meaning of milk and cucumbers and fish, etc. Though, now that I wrote that, I can see that all three have coolness in common. Hm.
Before I digress, and in case you’ve forgotten, here is a recap of the three things to do if you want to encode them deeply in your memory:
- Build a mind palace with multiple locations (the “loci”), using your home, or other place with which you are intimately familiar.
- Add a physical activity during memorization.
- Engage with each item on a deeper level, thus making its meaning felt.
The next time you have something important to remember, picking up eggs at the store, for instance, put them in your memory palace. Add a physical activity like downward dogs or ab crunches. Then think about the meaning egg have for you or attach a memory of, say, a great omelet you had at a brunch with friends.
Well my friend, that’s the end of this week’s post. Salute and may you have a beautiful, beautiful day/night!
India Susanne Holden is the author of Crafting a Happy Life and The World Is Better than You Think. They are a writer, teacher, speaker, workshop & seminar leader, musician, artist, personal & spiritual development coach, Reiki Master, Tarot reader, entrepreneur, and genderqueer feminist.
Knowing the world is always better than we think doesn’t mean you don’t have preferences or are apolitical. It only means you are cultivating an eye for the good around you and are drawing a circle of attention large enough to include the good along with everything else.
With some of what is currently in the public consciousness–mass shootings, elections, climate change, terrorism–it's easy to lose heart. It is more challenging right now to notice all the good that is happening side by side with the crap.
Noticing the good isn’t an approach of reframing reality as we perceive it. It is expanding what all we perceive. For example, I can note how challenged I am by Donald Trump. But I can also note that millions of people believe in him and hope he will make their lives better. I can be suffer discrimination as a non-binary person and also marvel at the beauty of today’s Seattle cloudscape.
The trick is not trying to resolve the cognitive dissonance (the dissonance felt when having opposing experiences). We can be happy and sad, angry and joyous all in the same day. We can hate what someone does and, rather than "othering" them, we can still see and acknowledge that they are part of our humanity.
How can that be? Because of perspective. Perspective causes you to judge what you and others do. From those people’s perspective, they are doing the right thing. For example, Trump gives voice to many of the people who don’t feel they’ve been heard or considered in the recent past, to people for whom what I call progressive change is a threat to their deeply held values. NRA head, LaPierre, is seen by many as someone who helps people protect themselves. I dont' agree with them, but I don’t believe they are bad, or worse, sub-human for arming themselves.
I oppose Trump’s and LaPierre’s rhetoric and actions but I love them as my kin. It is of no consequence to me whether they love me back or not. I won’t deny their humanity because that is who I am and who I want to be. But I sure as heck hope we will collectively deny their ambitions. But we don’t have to hate them and dehumanize them. We can draw a circle around them and include them without being permissive or being apathetic toward them.
I invite you to take heart and look upon the world and see what is needed and take the action that is right for you. Whatever you contribute is meaningful. And I invite you to notice that goodness is all around you.
Well my friend, that’s the end of this week’s post. May you have a beautiful, beautiful day!
India Susanne Holden is the author of Crafting a Happy Life and The World Is Better than You Think. They are a writer, teacher, speaker, workshop & seminar leader, musician, artist, personal & spiritual development coach, Reiki Master, Tarot reader, entrepreneur, and genderqueer feminist.
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Henry India Holden
I write about the divineness of life in its many forms. Writer, artist, spiritual director, life coach, tarotist. Nonbinary.