Due to the power outage, I didn't get to record a podcast this week. But I wrote a blog post, using my phone.

​​2019 Self-Empowerment Series
12-Month Challenge: Become a Badass - The Nontoxic Kind

12 Steps in 12 Months
Month 2: Embodiment
Allowing the whole body to participate in the transformative journey

I felt completely paralyzed during the power outage. In the past, I found them to be fun, like a forced vacation. But this time, all I felt was anxiety. Things got better because Steven got out about 20 candles. That brightened up the house. We let the kitchen gas burners burn and they kept the house at a steady seventy degrees. This morning, on a walk to get some coffee (no coffee at home without electricity), we helped dig out a van stuck in the snow and that was fun. Everyone working together, being helpful felt good. Back at the house, we made lunch and I continued to feel non-directional anxiety. Once the power came back on, I didn’t feel the relief I expected. I felt bruised as one would feel in the aftermath of an ordeal. I guess it was an ordeal. Though I don’t think it needed to be. I examined my thinking and my perspective and saw that I’ve been feeling victimized:

• By Trump whose presidency continues to depress sales.  
• Because our business did not get the Christmas bump due to “The Shutdown.”
• By the cold weather.
• By being trapped in the house by the snow and kept me from seeing friends.
• By Kiki’s incontinence—the huge amount of laundry of her bedding. Constantly changing the bedding. And now her fecal incontinence. OMG! 
  
  

I haven’t felt like a badass.

I expected the journey to badass-ness to go in a straight line, allowing for setbacks. But it hasn’t been like that. I’ve felt more thwarted than anything else.
But today, I looked at this feeling victimized and I realized, there are some things I need to, either choose or change. If I feel I’m the victim of having to deal with Kiki’s incontinence, I either need to
And here the power went out again for almost a whole other day.

Interestingly, the second time, I immediately got the candles ready and distributed them around the house for after-dark use. Steven and I, both, took the bull by the horns and did not feel victimized this time. Once the power came back on, I felt the relief I missed the first time and I didn’t feel bruised.

The difference was in how I met the moment: The first time, I went to helplessness and the resulting passivity which left me feeling depressed, abused and bruised, even after the power came back on. The second time, I aggressively got out in front, using what I learned the first time about the candles and other ways in which to prep for and manage the situation. I refused to think about the mistreatment we receive due to the demographic of where we live.
 
It occurs to me that being a badass doesn’t feel badass. In the back of my mind, I envisioned I’d feel  triumphant all the time, tough, in-charge, loud, aggressive, ruffian-like (things I, then, would need to hide), unstoppable, emotionally coarser, running roughshod over any obstacles. It is dawning on me that being badass isn’t like swashbuckling. It isn’t Errol Flynn swinging off the rigging with a sword.
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Maybe it feels no particular way. Maybe it’s how you act under pressure, in an emergency. Maybe it’s moving forward when you’re scared of the unknown.
All that said, I still want a little Errol with my badassery.  

Thank you so much for reading. I love you. I see you as whole and wise, and because I am so inclined, as divine, perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. By for now.

​Listen to the Podcast

 When I started to write this week’s entry, one thing seemed immediately clear: the needle hadn’t moved toward badasserie because I’d forgotten to stay in the practice. Except, I was wrong about that.

There's a great little word frequently used in the German language, pedantisch. It describes the stickler: wedded to the details and rules. But for something to take flight requires air under the wings and runway under the wheels, not just the rules of the skies.
 
I felt lousy and attributed it to not having practiced my badass tools. It’s a logical conclusion but not necessarily the right one. Being a badass doesn’t always mean feeling victorious, sometimes, it feels like hanging on by the skin of your teeth. Nancy Pelosi comes to mind during the State of the Union Address this week. The way she clapped back at the current president—no doubt badass! I bet she doesn’t always feel like she’s killing it. Like, for instance, the entire second term of the Obama administration after the Democrats lost in the midterms in 2010. I bet she was hanging on for dear life! And look where she is now! My own goal was modest, I just wanted to file State taxes in five states without a complete meltdown. And I did! The needle moved, after all!

Truth is, on the journey to being a badass, there will be turbulence. There will be times in which,  when faced with what went wrong, you forget what you got right. But part of badass training is to hold on to the control stick. The airplane may drop a thousand feet in an air pocket and that’ll feel horrible. Oxygen masks will dangle from the ceiling. But then the wings will catch the air again.

Never fly like you’re going to crash. Fly like you're going to stick the landing. That’s been my insight this week. A rough ride means nothing, except, “rough ride.”

You may have noticed that there is nothing in this week's blog about your trustworthiness. That's so because, who should be the judge of it? And, when something is made conditional, the bar always rises. And you can never win. I propose you trust yourself as a generative process, which is what a practice is. You don't need to be worthy of it, deserving of it, or justified. Practice trusting yourself for no other reason than that you said so. That's the badass move.

​This coming week’s work in bullets:
 

• Put faith in yourself and trust yourself as the pilot of your life.

February’s overarching theme is “Embodiment”—allowing the whole body to participate in the transformative journey.

To that end, you can cultivate and repeat thoughts (adding to your Badass neural network) that express your self-trust, such as, well, “I trust you!” And as you say that--or something else that resonates specifically with you--you can place your hands on your body wherever it guides you. For me, that’s almost always the heart area. If you’re not sure, try various hand positions.

There are as many different reasons for not trusting yourself 100% as there are people. Experiment with different placements and let your body guide you. If something feels good and like you can breathe more freely, you can go with that.

• The lower belly area is for connecting with your primal power.

Good if you don’t easily feel like you’re in your body or trust your instincts.

• The stomach area, just below the sternum is for connecting with your power of will (a kind of “I decree it so.”)

Good if you tend to second-guess yourself or make yourself small.

• The heart is for connecting with your emotional power or if you tend to feel shame.

Good if you’re not big on trusting your feelings.

• The throat area is for connecting with voicing your truth.

Good if you tend to leave things unspoken (don’t we all?).

This week, I noticed that, when it comes to badasserie, I’m a cross between my dog Annabelle and my other dog, Kiki.

Annabelle is six-and-a-half-pound white-haired Maltese. She is a tough dog. She’s brawny! We have a dog door. When she wants to go outside, she barrels through it so hard that I can hear the bang of the vinyl flap from the living room.

Kiki, our six-and-a-half-pound white poodle, in contrast, stretches out her paw tentatively to push the vinyl door open, then backs away as if the flap were trying to attacked her with its swinging motion. Eventually, as scary as it is, she has to slip through. It takes multiple tries before she finally makes it. On rare occasions, trying to come back in, it takes her so long to get here courage up, she gets wet from standing in the rain and I have to towel her dry.

This week, I presented two Wise Peer Communication workshops. One for Gender Diversity, designed for parents at Seattle Children’s Hospital, the other designed for staff at Seattle Counseling Service. The days leading up to the events I was like Annabelle, barreling through the cold that had been dogging me for the past two weeks, to hone and practice the PowerPoint presentations
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Then came Sunday, the day of the first presentation, and I felt more like Kiki. I worried about whether some of the parents related to the program. In the end, it was well-received and praised. Now, I felt like Annabelle again.  Tuesday, the day of my second presentation, I was like Kiki again. I started out speaking too softly—my version of rearing back from the vinyl flap. But soon enough, I found my footing and stepped through to the other side. Again, the workshop was well-received, and I felt robust and confident like Annabelle. Then, going over it all in my head afterwards, I stood in a space of second-guessing like Kiki standing outside, getting wet in the rain.

What made this time different from all the other times I’ve done things that challenge me is that I didn’t give in. I acknowledged that I worry like Kiki. But I also recognized that I have Annabelle’s toughness. I wrote the word “badass” on my hand and barreled through the proverbial door: Every time I wanted to cringe in self-criticism, I looked at that word written on my hand and I realized, oh! this is a matter of deciding who I am! A decision that I’ll be making over and over, just like Kiki has to decide over and over to brave the dog door.

I think we’re all like that—a little bit of Kiki and a little bit of Annabelle. And that’s a winning combination, because, let’s not forget, that, no matter how long it takes, Kiki always makes it through the door. And so will you and I.

This week’s work in bullets

It's the end of the first month, so I recommend taking a review of what you've practiced this the past four weeks. Where did you hit it hard, where could you be exercising your badass muscle more? Don't be the one in the gym who has big thighs and small calves. The reason is that the thigh muscles are bigger and, so, easier to build. The calves need much more attention to keep up. My "calves" are my incessant striving for getting it right instead of just getting it. My "thighs" are acting with bravado. I don't need to practice that.

At the beginning of the 2nd month, stay focused, keep showing up, keep working the program. If you haven't guessed it already, yep, I'm going back to the gym, so you'll hear that in my language. I'll try not to overdo it. Be as tough as feels right, be as sweet as feels right. You have no one to answer to, you badass! :)

This coming week’s work in bullets:

• Review January's tools
• Keep working with wherever you see lag
• To help the internal critic, embrace that you're always a badass: In the morning you're sleepy one, during the day, a focused one (hopefully), at night a vulnerable one (maybe). Badasserie has many, many looks.
• Remember, being a badass means stepping as fully -- and as unapologetically -- as you are able in the moment into your power to live the life that is.your.truth.

Tool 1: Keep your nerve and practice assuming things will work out (mantra: things will probably work out).

Come to think of it, today I saw one such unintended consequence.

I was at the store this morning. Without realizing at first what was happening, I sized up the man who stood in line at the pharmacy counter. How did his strength match up to mine? Would I be able to take him? No way. Male bodies have larger muscles. A mini movie unspooled in my mind in which we engaged in hand-to-hand combat (he decimated me). All this happened in less time than it took to walk past him. I remember reading somewhere that men often have such thoughts. Maybe these thoughts are a result of my gender journey on which I am allowing my internal masculinity to surface. But maybe it is also part of the process of becoming a badass.

I want to be both, badass and sweetheart. Is it possible? It seems, that in the third week of practicing becoming a badass, there is a sense of invulnerability building.

For this coming week, one of my goals is to practice disrupting invulnerability. Which brings us to this week's

Tool 2: When you notice insensitivity, indifference or coldness in yourself, or judgment of others, take a moment to breathe and call upon soulful chivalrousness.  

I’ve been making to-do lists for decades. As a matter of course, I put much more on them each day than is possible to accomplish because I want to capture everything that needs to get done, not only what needs to get done today. This week, I’ve noticed that every night, I am left with the sense that today, again, I didn’t do enough—​likely from the years of making unrealistic “everything lists.” Steven reminds me, "Gold stars. Lots of gold stars!" These gold stars are replacing the habitual thought of 'I didn’t get enough done.'

Does not feeling you're enough stand in the way of your own badasserie?

On the other hand, has it occurred to you this week that you’re not becoming a badass but claiming the inner badass that’s already there? That might very well be the case—it’s an exciting thought.  

While in badass training, what would you do if you had to deal with someone with a difficult personality? Would you get tough on them? Would it feel like they're undermining the process? Or would you see it as a practice opportunity? The latter is how I approached it this week. Thankfully, I remembered to use the tools from last week:
​

Those questions worked brilliantly! They kept me in my body, focused on what I wanted to accomplish (instead of being sidetracked by the other person’s behavioral issues), and from totally getting triggered.

I was also helped by the decision not to make assumptions—another tool from last week—about why they acted as they did. Thoughts like, ‘This is who they are,’ can be replaced by questions, such as, 'What if they’re not aware? Maybe they don’t have good impulse control?' Not as an excuse for that person's ill behaviour, but to keep from making assumptions that would only fuel negative feelings.
 
And I asked my IBF, "How would a badass handle this?" Which brings us to this week's

Tool Three: How would a badass handle this?

Interestingly, my IBF suggested responding authentically. The IBF seems to have cryptic answers. Hahaha! In my case, focusing on being badass about this (instead of on how rude they're being), also contributed mightily to being less triggered! Basically, I felt a badass wouldn’t let shit get to them as much and that helped me shrug things off and stay better focused.

Well, these were my insights this past week. I hope they help you on your journey to claiming your inner badass!

This coming week’s work in bullets:

• Keep your nerve—Things will probably work out
• Disrupt invulnerability with practicing soulful chivalrousness
• Strategically ask, How would a badass handle this?​

Thank you so much for reading. I love you. I see you as whole and wise, and because I am so inclined, as divine, perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. 
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This week, I’ve been consistently showering myself with gold stars and turning to my Internal Best Friend for advice. They are invariable more generous and kinder that I act towards myself when I’m on autopilot. I’ve also been incorporating my insights, and I hope you have, too.  
You can think of your IBF as an inner voice of kindness and compassion. Imagine them as the best friend of your wildest dreams. Put wonderful words into their mouth. If this doesn’t come easy, you could think of talking with your IBF as a kind of role-playing. You write the script. So make it the sweetest, kindest, most generous and helpful words you can conjure.
Here are the insights my practice yielded since last week:

1. Disrupt regrets!

I already knew that I have too many regrets.  I saw in the last week how pointless they are because their cause by hindsight. Of course, I would know better after the fact. That’s why they’re called hindsight. I want to use them to learn from, not to anxiously wallow in regrets. They undermine me and make me weak.

2. Disrupt cynicism!

True story: On my way home, a car got stranded in the turn lane and stopped. As I passed by, I  thought, ‘That’s not going to work! Nobody’s going to stop. You have to weave your way into traffic.’ I looked in the rearview mirror and, you guessed it, the very next car behind me slowed down, flashed their lights and let the car in. That slapped me in the face real good. A mundane moment that really highlighted my cynicism. Do you do that? Make cynical assumptions? Check it out this week.
What I really got this week is what it is that makes cynicism possible: Assumptions.
I mean, don’t we constantly assume, often the worst?

Now, am I conscious of my assumptions? Mostly, no. From where I stand, it just looks like calling it like it is. Well, I think there’s the rub. An assumption can be wrong like it was with that driver who waited for someone to let them in. Evolutionarily, making assumptions of what is safe and what isn’t is a good survival tactic. But beyond that, assumptions about people’s motives and intentions come with great liability.
 
For two reasons: 1) We overlay reality with our speculations which keeps us from actually being present in the moment and seeing what’s really there. And 2) because we are inherently biased, our speculations are distorted by those biases. Very quickly, rather than responding to the people we encounter in a fresh and unique way, as called for by actual reality, we respond in ways that are patterned by feedback loops.
 
For a while, on my gender journey, I got tired of doing so much emotional labor and stopped smiling. Life felt a lot cloudier because no one was smiling at me, either. Because I looked unfriendly or because they didn’t want to make the effort? I don’t know. But I do know, unless we encounter the moment with a fresh response, borne from being consciously present, there is no chance of stepping out of a feedback loop.

At the beginning of the paragraph, I answered the question if I am conscious of being assessing with "no." And that is the point of entry for the powerful shift that occurred this week. Last week’s insight was to worry less. To worry less, I had to assume less. When I assumed less, I had less cause to be cynical.

Friends, I can’t say what a difference that made. I’m lighter, less anxious, less frustrated and feel stronger. In other words, closer to being badass than I did last week.
 
If this resonates with you, I invite you to notice when you make assumptions.

3. Disrupt assumptions  

Anytime you’re upset, check out if you’re making an assumption. Then, instead of staying on the emotional merry-go-round, as yourself a few powerful questions that will help you get present:
What is happening right now?
What are the sounds?
What is being said (if anything)?'
How do I feel in my body?
What do I need right now?
How do I want to act or respond?
What would help me get in touch with my power?

Next, act in accordance with what comes to you as a result of these questions. Trust yourself. If you’re not sure, ask ‘How can my IBF help me with that right now?’ And remember to shower yourself with gold stars.

MOST IMPORTANT!!! Be ever so gentle with yourself. Be kind with yourself. Treat yourself with the loving care you would give to a puppy, a kitten, a bunny, or a newborn baby. You’re becoming a newborn—a newborn badass ;-D.
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As to “badass:” Do you like the term? Do you want something a little different? If so, change the term! To winner. Or savior, activist, healer, sweetheart. Maybe powerhouse. Whatever would describe the you who would love the life you want to live!
 
This week’s work in bullets

• Keep up with the gold stars. Keep developing your IBF (you’re building a neural network, remember?) Keep incorporating your latest insights
• Disrupt regrets
• Disrupt cynicism
• Disrupt assumptions
• If badass doesn’t quite fit, play with other options

 
Hey, remember when I mentioned last week that I had something to share? Here it is: To  make the Badass Challenge more concrete for myself, I ordered a, honest-to-God trophy. The one you see in the picture at the top. It's in Steven's work space, up on a very high shelf waiting for me. I can see it up there, but I can't touch it. Because of that, I know it's not yet mine. My goal this year is to earn it so that it can move from Steven's space to an honored place in my work space. We'll take pictures together that day!

​That's it for this week. Thank you so much for reading. Have a wonderful week. I love you. And remember, you are whole and wise, and if so inclined, divine. Perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now.  ​

Last week's tools for becoming a badass were:

• Visualizing awarding yourself five gold stars at the end of the day
• Asking, 'How Would My Internal Best Friend Help Me With That?'

To get oriented, let's revisit the concept of a badass. As of now, I define a badass as someone who is willing and able to fully step into their power to do and be what is in their heart of hearts. For me, that is empowering people to help heal the separation in the world. For you, this may be learning a second language, opening a yoga studio, protecting the earth, advancing social justice, climbing a mountain, or creating a relationship that soars. Whatever it is, it’s something you want, and you know it will take some serious badasserie to make it happen.
 
For that purpose, each week, I develop and practice tools and use them daily.
I invite you to do this challenge along with me and to adjust anything, such as objectives, tools, and definitions, to allow your process to be true to you so that you can be your authentic self.
I look forward to hearing from you what your experiences are, either in the comments, on Facebook, or you can shoot me an email.
​
For Week 1, I wanted to develop an aspect of myself that I call the Internal Best friend, or IBF. I used two tools in an evening ritual before I drifted off to sleep.
Firstly, I mentally scanned my day and then visualized rewarding myself with 5 gold stars or a gold trophy. Secondly, I committed to asking myself  'How would my IBF help me with that?' at any time, day or night, if I ran into a problem with attitude, fear, frustration, and so on.

Here is a summary of what happened this past week, Week 1.

I right away run into problems. Night 1, I brows on my phone and completely space the exercise, even with the sticky note reminder on my pillow. The next two nights, I manage to remember but there is tremendous resistance in me. I’m unable to visualize anything! In scanning the day, I can’t find anything star-worthy. Asking, ‘What would my IBF do?’ is the only saving grace. Seems, my IBF (remember: an aspect of my personality I am developing) is very calming and kind. And much more level-headed than me.

Day three, I wake up in a rotten mood and seriously question if this works! Then it occurs to me, hey (!), you might be going through the same thing! I should mention that I feel like quitting instead of ignoring that that just happen! 
So, in case you’re about to quit, you’re not a bad person, all is not lost, and this is obviously just par for the course. Here’s something that helped me and may help you, too: I reminded myself that it takes a minimum 21 days to build a neural network (a 30-day practice gives you a better chance at establishing one, and 12 months of practicing a new skill will change your life forever). Building a baby neural network and then enlarging it through repetition is what actually happens when we say “building a habit.”
I also noticed that I was going into this with serious overconfidence. When it didn’t work right away to make me feel better and badassish, I was disappointed. I expected that the 21 days were just going to be about reinforcing what works from day one. I see that I have more to overcome than I thought—there is a lot more self-criticism and self-aggression in my process of digesting and processing my daily life than I’d noticed. This is interesting.
 
Day 2, I also realize that the 5-star-process has gone off the rails. Instead of building myself up—the point of this process—I’m scanning my day for star-worthiness. But clearly, it’s about becoming conscious that I, that we all are, worthy because we are worthy. We are privileged to be alive. We are badasses-in-waiting who are done waiting.
Thankfully, I kept at it (knowing I promised another installment helped) and it got easier with every successive day until I wasn’t even waiting till evening to give out gold stars and get advice from my IBF.
If you’re not at that stage yet, before you criticize yourself, give yourself a handful of stars and ask your IBF how they can help you right now. We’re doing this together. I can see it’s working. So, if you’re a little lost, you’ll be found. If you get really stuck, reach out to me. Together, we’ll get you unstuck!

Let Me Know!

How'd it go with you star-giving? What happened when you asked 'How would my IBF help me with that?'

Dear friend, thank you for coming along with me. I love you. And remember, you're whole and wise, perfect as you are right now, and as you are not, right now. Blessings.

This week's work

​Keep building your new neural network

• Continue with the gold stars and/or trophies.
• Keep developing your IBF.
• ​Whatever insights you have gained, incorporate them into your practice.​ ​

​This is a day-by-day account. Listen to it or read it if you think it might help you know what someone else experienced.
 
Night 1:  When I see the sticky note I've put on my pillow, I remember to recall the day. But first a little browsing on my phone.

Day 2: While I browsed the internet, I forgot! Not happy!

Night 2: I'm a really good visualizer but no stars form before my inner eye. No trophies to hand to myself. Nothing except blackness. I finally resort to telling myself, 'OK, I'm handing myself five beautiful stars. OK, now I'm handing myself a shiny trophy!' Ugh! Fail! Fail! Fail! I have to laugh it's so bad. Things are going dreadfully! Rather than germinating a tiny seed of badass self-love, I feel dread and huge resistance.

Day 3: A rotten mood! As I lay there with my comforter up to my nose, a small, soft voice in my head pipes up, ‘How would my best friend help me with that that?' My body takes a deep breath of relief. Right, I’m not alone in this.

During the day, it occurs to me, 'Maybe this doesn't work!" Then, it occurs to me that you might be going through the same thing, so I had better fess up to it instead of keeping the failure to myself! 

​I remember it takes at least 21 days to build a neural network. But, of course, I’ve expected this approach to work immediately and the 21 days are just about reinforcing what already works. But maybe I’m uncovering that there is a lot more self-criticism and self aggression in my process of digesting and processing my daily life. This is interesting. I wonder if I'd quit if I hadn’t started a podcast. That motivates me to keep going. I don’t know if I will succeed. But I know I will keep at the goal of becoming a badass. In saying that, I realize I haven’t thought about it that way. I looked at the 5-star exercise as a way to make me feel better. Maybe I need to look at it in context. Can’t wait to do that tonight. 

Night 3: I scan my day and immediately find things I've done badly, or not at all. Where are the "rewardable" things? Everything I turn over in my mind isn't it. Even the things I did right, I only did so-so right. It's awful how negatively I view myself. I'm only now realizing. But this sinking feeling is familiar. I suddenly realize that this is how I feel at the end of every day! Like I failed because I didn't accomplish what I set out to do. Wow! I knew I was putting myself under pressure. But like this? That's an unpleasant surprise, especially considering how much work I've done around self-love. I can't do the gold stars so I switch to asking, 'How would my best friend help me with that?' Oh. They're so sweet to me, reminding me that all my judgement is from the unfair advantage of hindsight. OK. I can work with that. Thank you, IBF. 

Day 4:  I notice that I'm going a little easier on myself this morning, and the world, too, for that matter. Isn't that how it always works?
I have a phone call scheduled that I've been scared of for a couple of weeks now. I've been handing my worries off to God the past two weeks but then take them right back again, gripping like a life ring what is, essentially, a rock. No wonder I've been sinking. I had a coaching session yesterday and am super prepared. The call goes fantastic. I want to remember tonight to give myself 5 stars!

Night 4: Yay! I have things to give myself gold stars for! Yippy! 10 stars for me! My visualization powers return. I can see myself on a pedestal, crowned with a 5-star crown, holding a gold trophy to fanfares. Trumpet blast--ta-ta-daaaa, ta-ta-da, ta-ta-daaaaa! This is awesome. It's working!

Uh-oh! Is it supposed to work this way? Something tells me I'm missing something. Like the whole point of this exercise!

The 5 stars aren't supposed to be for accomplishments! They're for nothing other than to acknowledge my fundamental worthiness. Wow, again! The scanning of the day isn't about finding where I've been worthy, it's about encompassing all I've been and done and rewarding all of it, and all of me! That's self-love. That's badasserie--to have the courage to love and reward every inch of myself and my life! 

Day 5: Feeling remarkably good. 

Night 5: Is it possible that the gold stars and developing the IBF aspect is already becoming second nature? Could it be happening that fast? 

Day 6: Feeling groovy! I've added another thing: No regrets! You wouldn't believe how often I have a regret. That hindsight messing with me again..

Night 6: Gold stars like nobody's business! IBF right there beside me.

Day 7: I don’t recall what I gave myself five stars for – a good sign. I think it means my process wasn’t tied to performance. Instead of being merit-based, it was good-to-self-based (the kind of badasserie we're after).

Summation

​You know, I’ve been sad. I've been angry about the White House and how the media is helping to perpetuate the sense of separation amongst the people by constantly click-bait-harping on it.
Holding a European passport, I've been dreaming of escape. But where to? Who welcomes a genderqueer 61, soon to be 62-year-old creative with spiritual and free-thinking leanings? America, that’s who. 

Truth is, I have internalized more of that rage than I intended to, in my quest not to engage in spiritual bypassing. 

After this week, I feel softly empowered.

I feel more clear-headed, too. I see that self-care begets self-championing, begets confidence, begets badasserie. I see now, becoming my IBF is healing the separation within myself. Of course.

As all wise individuals have said, ‘What we wish to create in the world must first exist within us.’ That said, let not the work stop there. This is only one step. Another step is to bring this whole-making and empowerment-know-how into the world!

Next week:
Week 2 (starting tomorrow) was supposed to be about vulnerability and calming the inner critic with love. Pfft! I'm not at all ready to get into that. Maybe next week!
This is for week 2: The critic can't be shut down, but it can be soothed. That's where IBF comes in 

Upcoming:
Developing your IBF (Internal Best Friend) with vulnerability: Calming and healing the internal critic with love.  ​

​Or read the blog
​

I’ve resolved to become a nontoxic badass in 2019. To accomplish that, I’m braking the process down into 12 steps, and further down into 4 smaller steps that I can take weekly. I invite you to take the challenge with me! ​

A major obstacle to being empowered in our daily lives is a behavior most of us have in common. A behavior we believe will help us improve but that actually causes low self-esteem, discouragement, distrust of self, and can lead to a backdrop of suffering against which our entire lives play out.
 
It’s the age-old issue of undermining our power by being too self-critical. And by that I don’t mean the occasional taking oneself to task, but the unceasing self-aggression supplied by the internal critic who is stingy and rash, only begrudgingly hands out five stars (if ever) and is quick to shout, ‘Thumbs down! Waaaay down, buddy!’ While it’s not a new idea that we self-flagellate, the twelve solutions to this problem might intrigue you.
 
But first, let’s reveal this internal critic in all its unhelpfulness. This critic is sharp, not in wit or observation but in cruelty because it lacks compassion and the willingness to acknowledge mitigation. It says things like, ‘Moron! What did you just do?’ over simple things like letting a glass slip from your fingers when you’ve bumped the corner of the table and, ‘Fail!’ over social lapses like forgetting people’s names or faces. This critic rushes to judgment any time it perceives a gap between your aspirations and your actual accomplishment (as perceived by it). It puts you down, precisely at a time when what you really need is an ally who shouts, ‘It’s OK, it was an accident,’ or ‘It’s OK, you’ll learn the name after a few more times!’ I am well acquainted with my internal critic who doesn’t seem to ever forget. I remember riding the subway in Munich with my best friend. Face to face, we’re hanging on to one of the center poles in the train car instead of taking any of the several empty seats. We’re amusing ourselves and each other by loudly making outrageous statement followed by hysterical laughter. Not a person in the entire car is able to escape the ruckus.
Whenever I think about shame, this is the memory my internal critic trots out. I’m sixty-one now and was sixteen at the time. Over four decades have made little difference to the internal critic because my aspiration gap is between my desire to be outward-facing, focused on concerns for others and and my ego's frequent concern with my failures, large and small. My internal critic knows better than to criticize my teenage self. Instead, it declares that this shame I still feel demonstrates that I still have too much self-concern, freely calling me narcissistic, completely gaslighting the fact that its very existence as critic is what causes the concern in the first place.
 
In truth, the internal critic is not helpful. The best option for it is to be compassionate towards me when I feel shame instead of kicking me when I’m down. I’d never treat a friend this badly!
Yet, it is common that, while we are often exemplary friends to others—showing compassion and leniency—we don’t usually extend the same to ourselves. Instead, we follow up missteps with automatic self-aggression.
 
What if we got the internal critic some help with keeping us on the path to fulfilling our aspirations? What if we developed another aspect of our personality—that of a best friend? We already know how to be one to others. What if we emulated that model? This, I submit to you, is an elegant and loving solution. Because, you see, one of the reasons the internal critic is so quick to be cruel is to keep us from feeling our vulnerabilities because they could be dangerous to our survival.
 
The internal critic is a personification of the ego which, at bottom, operates from fear because, like a computer that only knows zero’s and one’s, it only know life or death. It is spirit, or higher self, or inner wisdom that knows we are eternal and the two rarely, if ever, speak. The ego, with its sheer horror of death and absolute imperative to survive is like the jockey who doesn’t know better than to dig its spurs into the sides of our psyche to get us to victory (rather than aspiration) as fast as possible.
But when faced with the challenges of succeeding, what we really need is a best friend, inspired by our highest self, who is there for us, is helpful, suggests things like good food and rest, and champions us, thus helping us mount our courage to feel all our feelings, including our vulnerability, to experience ourselves as whole and empowered!
 
Though along the way we’ve learned to be good friends to others, we’ve left ourselves out. What if we changed that? What if we cultivated ourselves as a best friend?
 
That is what I challenge you to become this year—your very own best friend! When you’re in trouble, ask yourself, ‘What would a best friend do to help me?’ and do it! Include self-soothing (pet your head, or your face; it’s OK, nobody need see you do it), sweet-talking with words of endearment (in dulcet tones), self-hugs, gentle motions, slowing down for an hour. Talk to yourself with earnest trust in yourself. When I say that something is difficult, my best friend never jumps on the band wagon or criticizes me. Instead, without fail, they add, ‘Only for the time being. You’ll get this’. My other best friend (I’m grateful for the blessing of two best friends) always speaks to me admiringly, sometimes asks for advice (and actually takes it), and also never criticizes me, ever! This best-friend relationship doesn’t have to be perfect; we’ve had a few fights. And we’ve made up. They simply believe in me and I in them. And I know, should I call in the middle of the night, they’d pick up, and so would I. We never abandon each other. Put a pin in that crucial point—we’ll get back to it at the end.
 
That’s the kind of best friend we all can use, living right inside our hearts and heads.
 
Many of us, far from cohabitating with a best friend, live with an eye-rolling, (often) scared, worried, distrustful, cynical, and punitive frenemy inside us. One who calls us names, mocks, I-told-you-so’s, thinks cracking the whip will help us achieve, and is willing to catastrophize or force the moment to its crisis, as T. S. Eliot’s Prufrock suggests, rather than be vulnerable, supportive, and encouraging. No wonder we feel we’re on our own and the weight of the world is pressing down on us.
 
The question that remains is not whether it is of value to develop an aspect of our personality that is profoundly devoted to us, but how we develop such an internal best friend. We shall discuss how you can do so in the next installment. In the meantime, when you feel down, or down on yourself, start training yourself to ask, ‘How would my best friend help me right now?’.
 
This week’s task
The admiring movie critic: Every night before you fall asleep, recall the day, then give yourself 5 stars or a thumbs-waaay-up, or visualize awarding yourself a trophy! Use whichever one won’t seduce you into grading yourself with less than top-honors. And when you feel like it isn’t working or boring, or like you have better things to do, such as worrying about something on tomorrow’s to-do list, remember that the crucial behavior of a best friend is, they never abandon us. So keep going. It takes roughly 21 days to build a baby neural network, or in common parlance, a habit. And if you forget for a night or two, you can pick it back up as soon as you remember.
 
Next Week
Developing your IBF (Internal Best Friend)
Vulnerability: Calming and healing the internal critic with love. 
 
Coming themes: Time Management—How to make it humane, How to stay Focused or Refocus, Soulful Resilience
 
Thank you so much for reading. Have a wonderful week. I love you. And remember, you are whole and wise, and if so inclined, divine. Perfect as you are, right now, and as you are not, right now. Blessings
 

A Life-Changing Book for Change Agents

Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About the World--and Why Things Are Better Than You Think, by Hans Rosling with Ola Rosling and Anna Rosling Rönnlund.

TIME IS IN short supply these days. But not too short to take a moment to bring the book, Factfulness, to your attention. It's a must-read for anyone wanting to help make the world a better place and a great fit for anyone attracted to the AllDivineGlobal initiative to help heal the separation in the world.

One of Factfulness' most startling facts is that world-wide, from Asia to Africa, from Russia to China, from Europe to the Americas, the average number of children born per family today is down to 2.5 children. This is very good news regarding future overpopulation. Families with five, six, seven children are a thing of the past. Factfulness shows that this is due to a drastic reduction of extreme poverty. Which leads to the next amazing fact about world-wide change. To find out what it is, you should go and pick up the book.

We have problems, but...

It is true, there are several troubling trends going on right now in some of the world. But they are probably going to be short-term. No more than a generation or two. Maybe much less. In the long-term, however, trends are extremely encouraging as Hans Rosling is able to demonstrate with hard facts, moving personal anecdotes, humor and humanity. He is a very cool guy: a scientist and a sword swallower!

Rosling starts the book with a quiz the reader can take and then builds the rest of the material around the astounding answers. 

​A new way to see the world

One of the most helpful things about Factfulness is that Hans Rosling gives us a new model to replace the very binary construct of "developed" and "developing" world. It's eye-opening and consciousness-raising. Just like gender identities can't be accurately described by the binary model of "female" and "male", the world's wellbeing can't be expressed by the binary construct of "rich" and "poor". Rosling, instead, offers a model of "4 Levels," from poorest to richest with the majority of the world living on Level 2 (not on Level 1 as most people who were quizzed assumed). Bill Gates, on his blog, gatesnotes, has a nifty little animated graph here to show the four levels and who lives where and what life on each level looks like.

I recommend you borrow the book from your local library or buy it at your local independent book store. In Seattle you can get it here. (I'm not an affiliate, I just wanted you to have a link to a local store.) 

While you wait for your book to arrive in the mail, check out this TED Talk by Hans and his son, Ola.

Blessings,
​India

OUR THINKING FALLS into roughly two categories. In the first, we think the world is a pretty great place. If that is you, we need you.  We need you to spread the message to those of us who don’t know it yet.

In the other category, we think the world isn’t all that great, to say the least. If that is you, I want to talk to you.
I want to talk to you because you can make the world better today by doing this one simple thing: Notice the good around you. Say what? Hang in there, I promise this will make sense.

First, let me give you some numbers that may surprise you. Bear in mind that of the seven and a half billion people in the world, we'll be talking about the approximately 4bn that are in the adult range. The World Giving Index reports that in 2015 one billion people volunteered their time. A staggering 1.4bn people gave to charity and, at 2.2bn, more than half the world’s adults helped out a stranger. That’s quite the picture of altruism.

Now add that, as Index Mundi—an organization that crunches numbers it gets from the American CIA—reports, 90% of the world’s drinking water sources have improved over the last decade and so has 60% of the world’s sanitation. There is great urgency to do more. At the same time, these are numbers we can feel good about.

Studies have shown that our environment is socially contagious. This is how, as I wrote at the beginning, you will make the world better when you notice the good around you. When you do, you naturally pay it forward. You’ve heard the phrase, “She had an infectious smile.” Goodness, like an infectious smile, is socially contagious. You become infected and, in turn, infect others. Thus, you become the source of a positive ripple effect that sets off other ripple effects.
But first, you have to give it your attention. Considering that half of all adults are doing something nice every day, this isn’t hard.

There is more.

How we think about the world affects the world, as well. Here is an example. Have you ever heard it said that people are self-interested? That even altruism is ultimately self-interest because we help others to lessen our own distress? This notion is very much part of the zeitgeist. Yet, it is an invention.

It goes back to Hobbes. Not Hobbs of Calvin and Hobbs fame but Thomas Hobbes, the English 17th Century political philosopher. That was his opinion. He said that when he gave money to a beggar, it wasn’t out of altruism but because he wanted to reduce his own distress. He wrote so persuasively that his contemporaries adopted as fact that we are only motivated by self-interest. Any environment is socially contagious—400 years later, long after the general public has forgotten where it came from, we still believe it.

Recent research shows Hobbes was dead wrong.

It’s understandable that he believed as he did. His perception of human nature was shaped by the English Civil War and the Thirty Year War. With his mental prowess (he wrote Leviathan, a bestseller in 1651) and the force of his personality, he caused society to adopt the belief that we are selfish brutes. There is a feedback loop at work here. Our environment affects us, we, in turn affect our environment. In this sense, the world we have today was, in part, created by his misperception of human nature.

An experiment at the University of Kansas identified how altruism works. There is a great paper here. Briefly put, participants were confronted with a person in dire need of assistance. However, they were given an out—they were assured someone else would step in if they didn’t want to help.

Here is where it gets interesting. Of the subjects who reported feeling distress over the person who needed their help, 67% opted out of helping. Of the subjects who reported feeling empathy, how many do you think opted out?  17%.
The next time someone says you do good deeds just to make yourself feel better, you know the real truth.

Instead of being influenced by Hobbes and the media’s disproportionate negative reporting, let's let ourselves be influenced by the good in the world.

The World Giving Index, beyond a shadow of a doubt, shows us to be quite wonderful.  Fortified by the knowledge of our empathy-based altruism, we can leave Hobbes behind.
In the beginning, I wrote that if you already think the world is an amazing place, we need you to spread that message. I hope this post inspires you to start many a ripple effect that initiates countless other ripple effects by sharing that thinking.

If you didn’t think so before, I hope this article inspires you to break with the idea that we are motivated by self-interest and to see sources that advance this notion, like some of the media, for instance, for what it is—a delivery system of disproportionately bad news. Join us and begin to take note when the world around you shows you its good side. Remember, you are someone else’s environment. You can start your own ripple effect. Make the world even better than it is.

​

An essential part of self-empowerment is to embrace all of who you are!

Elon Musk said, "I think it matters if someone has a good heart."

Would you agree? If so, I'd like to bring your attention to being good-hearted towards yourself.

You don't have to be madly in love with your (take your pick) nasty, needy, helpless, confused, angry, cynical, weak, side. But to be empowered, you must, must bring compassion and empathy to it. You must, must be forgiving toward it. Because when you are not, your flaws become not only your challenges and the things you work on, on your journey to living an empowered life, they become what undermines your power.

It's not berating yourself for your flaws that turn you into Mother Teresa or Elon Musk. It's loving those flaws while steadily building behaviors and perspectives that are in line with who you, in your heart of hearts, want to become. 

The best place for self-empowerment is to start with forgiveness of your flaws and then to expand your repertoire to include celebration. Yes, of yourself. All else, your empowerment, usefulness, effectiveness, happiness, and wholeness will flow from these two: Forgiveness and celebration. The following 5-step exercise will give you a good start.

5-Step Self-Empowerment Exercise 

Step 1: See both sides
Think of three things (optional: write them down) that you consider strengths in yourself. (For example, three of mine are: I'm a gentle teacher. I have a soft heart. I can be a badass if I have to be.) Hold these things in your heart and soul. Next, think of two things about you that you feel shame about or that you feel guilt about. (For example, two of mine are: I hold grudges, I default to avoidance if I think something could fail.)

Now, in your mind's eye, place these flaws and strengths side by side so you can clearly see that your personality contains both! Take a really good look at the good things about you! Maybe you're passionate, loving, caring--whatever is on your list.

Step 2: Forgive Yourself
Think of your flaws and just plunge in! Try not to overthink it. Just form the thought: "I forgive you." Repeat it like a mantra. (For example, I'll say, "I forgive myself for holding grudges.") The effect is very much amplified if you hug yourself around the middle, or pet your shoulder, or put your hand on your heart. Please try it. Nobody's going to see you do it.

If you can't do it
It's important not to wait till you feel forgiving. The doing will produce the feeling. If you can't bring yourself to say, "I forgive you," imagine saying it to someone else. Someone whom you find it easy to forgive, like a friend or pet. Think of them, or visualize them in your mind's eye, say the words, then switch out their countenance with your own. If you recoil, switch back to the previous visual or thought. Switch back and forth until you can hold an image or thought of yourself while saying, "I forgive you." It may help to use a picture of yourself you may have on your smart phone, or to work in front of a mirror (aptly called "mirror work".)

Step 3: Apply your strengths
​The is often a natural symmetry to our strengths and flaws. You can apply your former to your latter. (For example, I might say, "I can be a kind teacher to myself regarding my grudges. I can summon my inner badass regarding my avoidance.") Writing these out may make them easier to craft. You can trust that your strengths can help you with your flaws. I didn't strategically pick my strengths and flaws to coordinate. It just worked out that way as I wrote this post. It will for you, too.

Step 4: Write a love letter 
Remember, you don't become empowered by becoming perfect. You become empowered by embracing all of yourself--your flaws and your wonderfulness! You've already started the work of forgiving yourself. Now, write a letter that celebrates your awesome self! (My example: "Dear India, You've done some great work, learning to switch from teaching to facilitating people's self-empowerment. You show people how to see their beautiful, amazing, worthy and lovable selves. And, whaat (?!) you play the guitar. How cool is that!?")

Why not pick up your phone, pad, pen, right now and write your own love letter to yourself? You don't need it, but just in case you want it, I give you full permission to write it. You'll be surprised how it will lift you up. And if you want your self-empowerment to climb as steep as a rocket, write yourself a love letter every week, maybe even several times a week for the next little while. 

Listen, no B.S, you deserve to treat yourself with a kind heart and with love! You are as beautiful and unique as a snowflake. There'll never be anyone else like you in the world. Sure, that statement has become a cliché. So what? Just let it sink in anyway: You. Are. Extraordinary. There. Is. No. One. Else. In. The. World. Like. You.

Step 5: A Mantra to make it stick
To make your advancements stick and to drastically reduce the amount of time it takes to maintain them, you can create a mantra that helps you remember the gist of your love letters so you can benefit long after having written them. My go-to mantra is: You are whole, wise, and divine, perfect as you are and as you are not.

This is a process. With this Self-Empowerment exercise, you are building a self-empowerment neural network. Right now, it's a tiny baby network. To grow it: Repeat the 3 steps. The more often, the bigger and stronger, and therefore, more effective this network becomes in helping you become empowered. 

Keep at it. I know you can do this!

I love you,
​India

​PS: If "snowflake" gave you a little twinge because of how some people use it to put other people down, read this post.

PPS: Parts of this exercise is from my self-empowerment and trauma healing course, Wise Peer.